"...that cake eater...smells like flour..."
Yesterday was my birthday! So, as I was not looking forward to having so good of a day, I am kind of surprised at the day I ended up having. My first happy birthday actually came the night before when I was talking to Diego on the phone. I had to tell him that I couldn't go to his soccer game on Saturday morning because my Grandma was coming up from Florida for the weekend.
Anyway, I got up a little early so I could maybe make it to school on time. I got happy birthdays from my friends and then went to English. English sucked because we had to read this boring stuff about Walt Whitman that almost put me to sleep. We convinced our Reading teacher that since today was my birthday, and I had to take a test on a book, we should get a freeday the next day. (So we played catch-phrase today instead of reading all hour.) I got backed up by Miss Milner on any insults and criticisms I threw at Mark and Colton because it was my birthday, they should be able to stand being nice to me for one day. The little stuff they did say was actually pretty funny. Band, as always, was too long, but I got candy from Mrs. Pfaff, so it was cool. We also convinced our math teacher to take us outside during fifth hour. Sixth (US History), we had another freeday. I was really worried about Spanish because we were supposed to have a two-minute immersion where we stood up in a clase and had to make small talk with a partner for two-minutes. I know, sounds pathetic, but it is really had to think of questions to ask for two minutes! But we actually didn't have time to do that so Spanish was relatively easy. It was really storming when I was supposed to walk over the middle school to help Mrs. Klocke. So I rode the bus over. The Fifth grade class threw me a surprise party! I got all these cards and signs telling me happy birthday! And just my luck--both track and play practices were canceled. I think I got more happy birthdays from the middle schoolers than from my friends at the high school.
Anyway, I went to Amber and Dana's house after school to make cookies. Sure, I got the whole Ethan staring at me and being mad at me, but I was pretty much able to ignore it. So I called my prom date in Concordia and talked to him for a while for the first time. He was at the birthday party Justin and I had on Sunday and amazingly enough, remembered that today was my birthday. That was cool. Then Dana and I were making snickerdoodles while Amber was talking with Hattie. Ethan decided to call Amber, and I was forced to talk to him. He's mad at me for something stupid, but I don't really care because I have a lot more right to be mad at him. He came to Amber's but wouldn't come into the house for a long time. Then he didn't even talk to me so that's his fault. On a lighter note, Ray, Dana's boyfriend, showed up and lightened the mood. Sometime in there, Jason called to say happy birthday and brag about him going to a concert with Diego and Kris in Lawrence.
When I finally got home around 7:30, Mom was cooking a really good dinner--fettucini with chicken in a white wine sauce. Dad had stayed home all day and cooked me an angelfood cake. It was really good. They bought me a showercurtain with Japanese symbols on it. We don't know what to do with it yet because I don't have a need for a showercurtain. It's still cool looking. I had to clean my room and do some English homework but it wasn't too bad.
All in all I had a pretty good birthday with a few problems, but they were easily covered up by all the fun stuff.
It's National Hate Caitlin week
I know, it sounds harsh, but it's so true. When I have more time, I'll give you a full account. But for now, feel free to throw any insults, threats, or really anything mean you can think of. For one week only, let the bashing begin.
Monday
So Monday started out with a bang. I got to school and Amber asks me if I want to go to Concordia's prom. It's on the same day as ours so that creates two problems. One: I'd have to tell Ethan I wasn't going with him to this one. and Two: I'd have to convince Mom. The first problem was not going to be too hard to solve, I had already decided that I didn't want to go to prom with Ethan anyway. He's been acting weird and just being mean for a while now. The second problem would have to wait till I got home. Anyway... I tell Amber to let me think about it for awhile. I catch her in the hallway after third hour and she tells me that things are off and running. Ethan drilled her throughout that hour about me and now he is royally pissed at me. So great. My third hour was filled with insults and threats from Mark, so I wasn't looking forward to this whole blowup. It doesn't take long for Hattie and Marci to find out. So Marci spends track practice telling me to come to our prom and all this stuff. She held back a little because Hattie had told her about the Ethan thing. I was so happy to get out of that school at the end of the day.
When I got home, I had a message on my phone from Ethan saying he wants to talk to me and do something on my birthday. By the way, he left this message at a time he knew I wouldn't be able to answer my phone so he didn't have to talk directly to me. Yea, like I'm going to want to spend my birthday with a guy whose been a jerk to me for I don't know how long. I delete the message (I know, immature, but I'd had enough for the day) and go to talk to Mom about Concordia. She flat out says no because she doesn't know these people and doesn't want me to go up to Concordia to a house to sleep for a while before coming back home after prom. That got ugly. Amber called and I told her I couldn't go. I went to my room and called Diego. He has this amazing ability to cheer me up without knowing he's doing it.
Tuesday
And we're back. I had pretty much decided that I wasn't going to this prom anyway. It took Ethan about 3 seconds to decide to go with Franzi to prom. I don't want to be there if I'm going to have to deal with him all night long. I get the evil glares (and sometimes just really uncomfortable stares) from him all day long. In band, he talks with Kammie and I see a glimmer of hope. Yes! Maybe now he'll be occupied with her and will finally leave me alone! No such luck. He asks Taellor later if I saw and if I was jealous. Of course he's still mad at me and I get a repeat of yesterday. I've got absolutely no defense against Mark, Colton, and Clint in Chemistry.
I get a note in 6th hour telling me to call my Mom. So I figured it was about this blog. I was mad at her, but that's not why I wrote this entry. I don't get a chance to call her back until between 7th and 8th hour in the back door of the lockerroom. I was about to when an alarm went off in the school. So I walked back in thinking it was a tornado drill. But I was about halfway through the lockerroom when I realized it was a fire drill and I had to walk all the way around out the front doors in the commons area. When that was finally over, I called her back. She told me that I could now go to Concordia's prom because she knows my date's dad. I was in a bad mood because of all the crap that had been going on during the day, so I really only half realized what she meant. I caught Amber after school and told her the news. After play practice, I stopped at her house and talked to them for awile. She tells me that Ethan paid her money for information about me. Now I'm just kinda freaked out.
Wednesday
Today was a lot of the same stuff that happened on Monday and Tuesday. But now my already small group of support is steadily losing followers. Marci won't talk to me, I get the feeling that the rest of them aren't too pleased either.
Thursday
I've explained this in the next post, but it was basically the same. My friends are mad at me, Ethan is freaking me out, and I can't seem to catch much of a break. I had small victories, though.
Friday
So I'll skip through to after lunch. Fifth hour, Kyler is back from his cruise. For some reason, I think if he had been here all week, I wouldn't have taken so much crap during Chemistry. Either that or I would have had twice as much. Marci is now so mad at me that I can't stand being around her. Hurdle practice is tense, but I got to run through quite a few times. Bridgett, my coach, helps me improve my approach on the high jump mat, and that really lifts my spirits. I may have a chance at jumping a relatively normal height on Tuesday. After track, I get chewed out in the lockerroom by Marci. She is mad because she wants me to come to this prom and she also happens to hate the people I'm going to Concordia's with. She also thinks I'm being stupid because--"he won't bother you during prom" Bull. He follows my group of friends around and she knows he won't leave me alone and will want to dance with me even though he's there with Franzi.
After play practice, I'm taking Dana home, and we realize there are people in the middle of the highway just after the bridge. We turn around because it's my friend Sam. She hit a deer and totaled her car. No ones hurt, but she just got her car back out of the shop and can't fix it again. Dana ends up calling the police for her. It seems like everyone in Olsburg shows up before the cop can get there. But the best part is when the cop gets there, he lights a cigarette. There's something leaking out of her car, and he walks over and lights a cigarette! They sent the smartest cop on the force.
Well...I'm lost
I thought this was supposed to be SPRING Break. Spring. Why is it snowing? I think our weathermen are full of crap.
Anyway... We finally celebrated Dad's 50th B-day. I won't bore you with that description because you can click on almost any link and read about it there. But after the party, we went to Amber's house for a movie night. This was Diego's dream, to pile onto a futon full of girls and Jason. Weird, I know, but still pretty funny. Sorry you missed it Diego. The movie night was more of a talking night and I have no idea what those two movies were about. I'm sure they weren't all that interesting anyway.
But there was one great mystery. Ethan, who is now supposed to be my friend, wanted absolutely nothing to do with the fun. And I ask, is it really my fault that the kid is mad at me? And really, why IS he mad at me? I've been trying to talk to him, to not seem like I'm mad or anything. But I think it's about time that I give up. This is a two-way thing, I can't do it all by myself. I'm tired of being ignored and avoided. So if you want to make yourself miserable by insisting on being mad at me, fine. I don't care anymore. If you want to fix this, fix it, but I'm not taking responsibility anymore!
Please, someone help me clear up this mystery!
So Jason and I are coming back from taking Amber home and I'm looking at the tracks in the snow on the road. And I happened to notice some really fresh looking ones leading from Spring Creek road to our road. We pull up to the mailbox and sure enough, there's a foreign looking car in the driveway. I hope I don't sound angry, because this was more of a suprise. Not a pleasant one, but still a surprise. When I get inside, Ethan is sitting on my couch. Doesn't look up when I walk into my own house or even acknowledge that I'm home. Starts up a nice little chat with Jason, sure. But I'm beginning to wonder if maybe I'm invisible or something. So I sat down to watch the TV. And the next time I look up, he's asleep on the couch. And I wonder, was it really necessary to come all the way to my house, in a snowstorm, I might add, just to fall asleep on my couch? I'm extremely perplexed. We get around to playing a round of cards (that's cool--get Around to playing A Round--ha ha ha, I surprise even myself sometimes) and we start up the "ignore and avoid Caitlin" game again. In my own house! I'm not mad right now, but I'm sooo confused. He leaves without so much as a glance in my direction. So you tell me--Is it my fault this relationship is completely gone? Really? Come on.
Just Two
just two
more days of suffering
in this hellish pit called high school
until a much needed break
just two
if i can only last
two more days of the routine
until spring break
just two
I'm so tired of school. I can't wait until it's over, even if it is for only 10 days. It's a much needed break from the daily headaches, and wandering around in a zombie-like trance. I want to see the sunshine. I want to get out of this place, just for a while. So I can get back to normal, or at least try. It's too bad we don't live in the Southwest. I'm really longing for the sandstone and the warmth, and just the warm effect that area seems to have. I need a vacation!
you think i'm perfect
you think i'm perfect
you think you've made mistakes
and that i can blame only you
you think i'm unreachable
and that given the chance
i'll run as far as i can
you think you're one of many
watching a beauty
and that if i have my choice
you won't make the list
but i'm far from the best
don't take so much credit
give me my space
and you'll never lose me
i've never seen the list
you think too much
friends...?
I was reading Brennan's blog today and it got me thinking. He was talking about how his friends have changed over the years. That really applies to me too. If you add moving into the equation, I haven't had a friend last for more than three years.
I had good prospects in Georgia--no cares in the world. We lived there for about 5 years, but I switched schools in second grade. It didn't take long for me to meet Kimberly--my best friend. But even the best of friends can't stay that way when they are 10 years old and trying to talk to each other across several states. I see her occasionally, but we've changed so much since elementary school. Last time I saw her, she was a short cheerleader. The cheerleader part surprises me.
When we moved here, I met Sam first. Sam is a good friend, but I don't know if I've ever really known her. I probably should have stopped there. But my class of girls was... I don't know if there's a word for it. Probably the closest would be insane! I got caught up in the typical backstabbing world of teenagers. I've never had a real friend out of that group. Those years taught me not to trust people and to be more independent. That was the only way I could make it through, and that was only middle school.
Actually, I had a friend who stayed for about a year in middle school. Brittney was a complete rebel and knew she didn't have to take those girls if she didn't want to. But she moved away in a hurry and left me back where I had been--alone.
I entered high school with a strong will to do what I wanted and be a non-conformist. Dana is probably the closest thing to a friend I've had in a long time. I have others, but I still find things to surprise me with all of them. I'm not saying there aren't things that surprise me about Dana--there are. But she's not so concerned with the "she said, he said" crap.
So some people wonder why I can't just relax and be myself--well that's why. There's something up there telling me that anything I say or do will come back to haunt me and blow up in my face. And I'm just not used to talking to people and being able to say exactly what I want to them. Jason thinks I do this because I'm mean or something. Well...I have trust issues.
Sometimes I wonder if we hadn't moved, would I be this way?
bloCKer
I really hate our school. They have blocked my dad's blog from my computer. I could understand maybe Brennan's or something, but MY DAD???? What does he write that is sooo bad? I'm not trying to give them ideas, but why block one blog when they could block all of them? It's not like he swears in it like half the people linked to Jason's blog do so why block his and only his? So now if Dad has something big about his job or anything, I won't know about it because the stupid school blocked his damn blog!
Life of Pi
Why do people move? What makes them uproot and leave everything they've known for a great unknown beyond the horizon? Why climb this Mount Everest of formalities that makes you feel like a beggar? Why enter this jungle of foreignness where everything is new, strange, and difficult?
...
I wish he hadn't fretted so much. It's hard on a son to see his father sick with worry.
...
People move because of the wear and tear of anxiety. Because of the gnawing feeling that no matter how hard they work their efforts will yield nothing, that what they build up in one year will be torn down in one day by others. Because of the impression that the future is blocked up, that
they might do all right but not their children. Because of the feeling that nothing will change, that happiness and prosperity are possible only somewhere else.
...
Those are all part of a very good book called
Life of Pi. It seems to go with what I've been feeling.
What a weird mood I'm in
It's been a while since I've blogged, so I guess I should. It's not really my fault--I've been trying to read this book so I can somehow salvage my English grade. We have this program that makes us read certain books for points throughout the year. I have one more week to finish about 2.5 books. It counts toward my English grade.
So today I was thinking--there's so many things that affect my mood. I'm stressed out waiting for my dad to sign official papers saying that we're moving. I haven't told anyone but a coupla friends that have moved before and I thought might understand. Jason I guess has told a few more. Taellor talked to me on the bus the other day about it, and Lauren overheard, so I ended up telling Lauren too. But I guess it's not such a bad thing, they'll all find out eventually. Diego called me on the phone on Saturday night about 11:30 to talk to me about it. It really surprised me. He just kinda called up out of the blue and was surprised that I answered my phone. It would have woken me up anyway, but we happened to have just gotten home from prom dress shopping, so I was still awake.
It may not seem like such a stressful thing for most people to deal with. But not knowing if your dad, who brings in over half the family's income, is going to have a job is very stressful! And another thing, I've never really been attatched to this school because I've never had a friend here that lasted very long (Dana is setting a record though). But if dad got a job and we suddenly needed to move one year before I finished high school... So we have kinda decided that mom and I will stay here to finish my last year. Not having Dad around is not going to be easy. I said earlier that I do actually get along and enjoy spending time with my family. So this problem is really big.
I tend to ignore most people at this school because of reverse culture shock. Reverse culture shock is what happens when you come back to your own culture and have trouble adjusting back to it. A typical high school girl only thinks about herself and what so-and-so said about so-and-so and other crap like that. I guess I'm too mature for my age. I'm not trying to sound all high and mighty about myself, I'm just trying to say how I feel. If you don't like it, stop reading.
Another thing that affects my mood is other people's moods. Someone who is usually hyper and happy and laughing all the time can't suddenly stop and expect no one to notice. No matter how much I don't like the person, I can't help feeling sorry and empathizing with him. It puts a damper on my already down mood to the point where I just want to go home and mope around. And I don't even know what is bothering him!
So anyway...
