and everything starts today

Brothers on a Hotel Bed

2009-10-02T08:40:00.000-07:00

You may tire of me
As our December sun is setting
Because I'm not who I used to be
No longer easy on the eyes
But these wrinkles masterfully disguise
The youthful boy below

Who turned your way and saw
Something he was not looking for
Both a beginning and an end
But now he lives inside
Someone he does not recognize
When he catches his reflection on accident

On the back of a motorbike
With your arms outstretched, trying to take flight
Leaving everything behind
But even at our swiftest speed
We couldn't break from the concrete
And the city where we still reside

And I have learned
That even landlocked lovers yearn
For the sea like navy men
Because now we say goodnight
From our own separate sides
Like brothers on a hotel bed
Like brothers on a hotel bed
Like brothers on a hotel bed
Like brothers on a hotel bed

You may tire of me
As our December sun is setting
Because I'm not who I used to be

a new chapter

2008-12-03T17:43:00.000-08:00

I've packed one box and one tub. Before I left for Thanksgiving, I pulled all of my food and dishes out of the middle area. I now own nothing in the common area except one chair. I look at my small little room and wonder, How did I get to this point? This was supposed to be the best year, I was rooming with three friends and we were supposed to have the time of our lives. But I'm packing up halfway through, getting ready to move out. I really feel more pushed out. And I hate it when other people control what I do. I'm moving out because something went horribly wrong and we can hardly stand to be in the same room with each other for long.

I find myself deleting and blocking people from my life. And not just her, I've finally blocked him from my life too. I've never been one to put up a permanent wall and not allow for change. At least not with friends. I've always held the door open just a little so that if someone wanted to sneak back in so we could work things out, they could. But it feels oddly good to put a full block on him. Before I was still tempted to check what he was up to, but now I can't even do that. Which is good, because neither can he. It's not what I wanted at all. I was willing to stay friends. I wanted to stay friends. But he drew the line clearly for me, even if he couldn't see it himself.

Like I said, I'm not one to take orders. Orders. You may be in the military now, but that doesn't mean I am. I don't have to do what you say, or even listen if I don't want. My life never revolved around you, so why should I hurt other people just to spend some uncomfortable time with you? I have a boyfriend that you don't even know, and I hope never will know. You don't have even an ink blot's worth of right to insult him, to insult me, and it's not funny, and you knew that! I asked you to stop, no I begged you to stop, so we could still be friends. I don't know what it was you couldn't get over, but I wasn't waiting on you. You made a choice way before I left. You used me. How can you expect me to drop my life, and someone who truly loves me, for you? How is that fair? You never wanted me, you just wanted me to want you. And that is so far from what I have now. I have something amazing now, something you have never had. And I'm not even sure if you deserve to have someone love you. I don't think you would love them back, and I know how that feels. No one deserves that. So let me be happy.

I've finally opened a new chapter in my life.

wake up... life is calling you home

2008-02-23T15:12:00.000-08:00

9:30 am, Monday, February 18th.

My phone rings and Dad is on the other line; he sounds like you sound just after a car accident, scared and out of breath. I am not fully awake yet, as we do not have school on President's Day. What I comprehend out of the conversation is Mom... hospital... some high numbers, blood pressure... another big number, heart rate... doctors don't know what's wrong... love you, bye. click.

I sit stunned for a moment in my bed before my entire body shakes and tears trickle down my cheeks. I get out of bed, take the few steps to the door of my room, turn around, get back into bed. I look at Rochelle, asleep, and for some reason I don't want to wake her. Instead, I text Eric to see if he is awake yet. No answer for what seems like forever. My mind is racing and my senses are screaming... who else would be awake right now? Weston. I text him the same thing, he responds right away. Where are you?... Third floor lobby.

I get down out of bed, grab my jacket and slip out of the room. When I walk up to Weston, I give him a hug before he can even look up from his physics and begin to cry. He immediately puts me in his lap and I spill the story... how my mom is in the hospital and I don't know what happened, or what is going on, or when I will hear from them again. He works on calming me down and distracting me from the situation. My phone buzzes. Eric. I call and ask him to come to Knowles. Is anything wrong? Yes. I'll tell you when you get here. Bridger appears in the lobby and quietly sits down across from Weston and me. A few moments later, Eric walks up the stairs in the T-shirt and pants he was wearing yesterday. I can't recall words for a short moment, then I spill. My mom's in the hospital. Something wrong with her heart. This brings on a new wave of tears and I switch over to his lap. I'm sniffling, the tears are rolling, and I'm shaking on top of it.

I grab my jacket and a tissue from my room and we walk out of Knowles. Eric takes me to a bench in the sunlight by the river. I grasp my cell phone in one hand and his hand in the other. I can't stop shaking. We sit for a while looking out at the river. At some point, we decide to go downtown to a diner for something to eat. He orders a stack of blueberry pancakes and we split a Black Forest shake.

We walk out of downtown to the hospital to see Sarah, who was in the ER the night before with a stick through her neck from a skiing accident. She seems alright, a little loopy on drugs, but recovering. Dad calls me while I'm in her room and I walk quickly from the room. He tells me that Mom thought he might have scared me this morning and that she is fine... well, not fine, but... okay. The whole time I just want to hear Mom's voice, to know that she is still there. It's not enough to be told that she is stable, I guess in the back of my mind I need the reassurance the sound of her voice would give. But she is still in ICU, so I won't get that today.

Eric and I walk back to campus... he has frisbee practice. When I can finally bear to let go of my phone, I decide to take a hot shower. Joe and Rochelle have figured out that something is up, and bring me food from Staggering Ox. Then Rochelle, Joe, Eric, and I go to the ice rink. We skate for an hour, maybe more, and it helps take my mind off the situation. I am actually smiling for the first time since I woke up that morning.

My thoughts wander between how my mom is doing, how my dad is taking it, and how I would handle this without someone there to hold me. The fact that Eric is there to give me a shoulder to cry on and an arm to cling to means so much. It seems ridiculous to try to put it to words, words aren't enough. All I can say is thank you. Thank you for being here. Thank you for worrying with me. Thank you for everything.

takin it easy

2008-02-08T15:14:00.000-08:00

so i am fairly sure that no one checks this anymore, but that is ok... i am going to try to write again.

updates:

i finished my first semester of college and am throwing myself into my second.

life at the dorms really isn't so bad, although i am definitely looking forward to next year when my roommate and two of our friends get a 4-person suite... that means i get my own room again!

rochelle seems deathly ill the last few days and it really sucks for her... because tomorrow is her birthday! i hope she feels better tomorrow, because we have a surprise for her that i think she will really enjoy... at least i hope so.

i am not getting enough sleep for my classes this semester... call me a slacker it's probably true. unfortunately i don't seem able to balance my need for sleep and my need for activity.

i think college has just as much drama as high school did, and i cannot seem to get out of the way, although it is cooling off for the moment.

speaking of cooling off, i live in montana now! and it is too damn cold here all the time... as of right now, it is snowing... a blessing because that means it is slightly warmer than it could be outside...

i can't wait the warm weather to come back, sometimes i wonder if i wouldn't have been better off going to college somewhere in the south after all. i do love the southwest, i just wish i could have found a program i liked. but then i wouldn't know all the people i know now and i wouldn't see my family at all.

jason goes to school here too, and it usually is a good thing, although he seems to dislike me lately and there is nothing i can really do to change that.

i am finally playing soccer again for an intramural team, and i think i am realizing that i would rather play the way we used to... four of us fooling around in the old stadium at 10 o'clock at night because that's when the humidity finally lifted enough for us to breathe... i am a competitive person, but i don't have as much fun as i used to.

sadly one of my favorite classes this semester is precalc... i didn't realize how much i missed math until i got back into it and actually wanted to do my homework.

my other favorite class is called the sociology of alternative religions. that's code for cults. the only problem is that it is 3 hours long on a tuesday night... but i find it easier to stay awake for the entirety of that class than i do for my hour long classes.

today i skipped my 8 o'clock class so i could be awake for physics and precalc... we had a test in precalc. i was sitting in physics listening to a discussion over who knows what (it is a class about the theory of relativity and i think it might be way over my head...) when i heard the professor say, "and Caitlin's trying to take a nap back there..." i hadn't even realized my eyes were closed. that should tell me something... if i sleep without even knowing i'm doing it, i am probably doing something wrong. my precalc test went ok, i didn't study last night and i really only didn't know two problems on the test, i think that might be my highest grade this semester.

i realized the other day that i am a time bomb waiting to explode. and if not me, then my kids, if i have any... what i mean is that my family has a bad history. my grandmother died of skin cancer this past spring, her husband had kidney cancer, my other grandmother had breast cancer, and her husband died from heart failure. we have aunts and uncles with depression, alzheimers, and so many other problems that it's not funny anymore.

on a happier note, college is turning out to be a positive experience so far. things are going fairly well, i'm staying active, and i have a good set of friends. i have a job working with the foreign student office and i'm just starting to feel comfortable in what i do, although it's not terribly exciting. i do hit the party scene occasionally and i feel comfortable with the people i go with and the fact that i don't drink, don't smoke, etc. etc. i'm fairly organized and in control of my life, except for the sleeping thing, but i think that comes with the territory. all in all, life is going as smoothly as it probably could be, at least as much as i would like it to be, and i've got no complaints.

from mid-may to mid-july--the crazy life i live

2007-06-23T14:00:00.000-07:00

sorry about the long absence... i've been very busy lately. plus i didn't have access to a computer with internet. so back off! so where to begin...

i'll try to mention senior sneak in as nice a way possible. it's a tradition where the senior class gets together one last time in a confined space under the false pretense of having one last hoorah but what is really just an excuse to prank one another and piss us all off just before graduation so we can all hate each other in the end. lets just say that you have to be a certain kind of demented to come back from that trip having thoroughly enjoyed your classmates. i'm sure that are some... but i wasn't one of them. as Tom Nelson told my mother, the ones who enjoyed it should still be in middle school, and the ones who didn't were probably ready to graduate last year. don't get me wrong, it wasn't all bad, i at least know who is worth hanging out with now (not that i didn't know before, this trip just rewrote it in BIG RED letters).

the very next day was regional track. and it must have been a horrible day for blue valley girls--none of us qualified. on the other hand, it was a tremendous day for girls high jump--the four qualifiers cleared 5'1" and one girl cleared 5'3". unfortunately, i only cleared 4'8". which was good considering the amount of stress i had on me and the too few hours of sleep and the horrible stiffness in my neck all that day and the next from sneak. i still wish i could have cleared 5'0" sometime this year. i was soooo close at the Manhattan meet--closer than Briana Bruna and the girl from Wakefield.

and finally, graduation. i don't know what to say except that it probably looked like i was the only one who did anything in that class. seriously. it lasted 40 minutes (thank god) and wasn't terribly hot this year like it had been every previous year. they changed the day to saturday and the time to earlier in the afternoon in hopes of keeping the place bearable. anyway, i was part of the last pair to walk in, seated on the inside of the left row. Mr. Winter started it off with a dead mike, but when that was finally finished Dustin got up for the salutatorian speech. we'll just say that it was awful in the worst sense of the word and spare the kid further shame. personally, though, i still think the 3rd place kid deserved it more. but maybe that was just because he was my friend. then it was time for my speech as valedictorian. everyone told my how good it was afterwards, but i'll let anyone who wasn't there read it and form their own opinions.

This year in the play, I stumbled over some lines in our Friday night performance that set the crowd laughing. There were some classmates on stage that told me how surprised they were to hear me mess up. Caitlin, Miss Perfect, stumbling in the clutch. Well, I can tell you that I am far from perfect. When I first started thinking about this speech, I had no idea what I would say. I didn't want to give the same speech that happens many years, about how great a class we were and how much I would miss high school. Honestly, that is not the idea I want to leave you with. So I did what our teachers have been trying to get us to do for years--I researched it.

I read some good speeched--some inspirational, some funny, but mostly, I found by reading these that I wanted to write the speech my own way. I wanted it to have a little bit of "Caitlin flare." However, I did find one great idea from a speech entitled "Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah." It reads, "Graduations are often likened to a door closing on the past behind us. We're looking ahead to the future, closing the door behind us, storing the past in a closet. Some of us will look into that closet repeatedly to reminisce about our bygone youth. Others will pick through it occasionally, remembering the good parts. Some will slam the door shut, push all their weight against it, throw 5 dead-bolt locks across the door, wedge it shut with a chair, and run as if there were a rabid animal in there, not looking back."

That speech goes on to say that our future will be affected by our past, no matter what we do with that closet door. So now I add my own advice to this. We should be able to more on from our past and not be held back by old defeats. We should also be able to build the rest of our lives on something more substantial than just what we accomplished in high school. So I suggest we leave the door slightly ajar, so we can peek in when we need to. We shouldn't swing it wide open and try to jump back in, but we also shouldn't run away never looking back. Remember our teachers also taught us to learn from our history.

High school represents only a stepping-stone on the pathway through our lives. Like the Robert Frost poem that Mrs. Shultz taught us in 6th grade says, that path had many bumps and turns. I worked very hard to be standing here today, with scholarships and honors to prove it. But in the end, being the Valedictorian is really only a number. Every one of you has that same potential to be standing here instead. So my advice to you, my fellow seniors, is to grab that potential, twist it and bend it any and every way you need, and make it work for you.

Thank you.

some people told me that i didn't sound or look very nervous (but that may just be in comparison to Dustin), but my legs were shaking so bad that I swear I was making a tap dance number with my heels on the stage. thankfully, i had several encouraging faces to seek out in my class (namely the one person who gave me the most crap for my mistakes in the play) and in the crowd, so that calmed me down a little. i then proceeded to explain that our senior gift was on its way. i sure i was still shaking when i sat down in my chair off stage and Mr. Schreiber started speaking. i think he was just as nervous as i was, he's a new teacher that is not used to speaking in front of crowds of his students' families and various community members. after that, i was again called forward to start the senior video which i and another student in the class below had created. it turned out very well i think. i'm still waiting to have our copy of that and the ceremony. when we walked, i was second or third out the door to hug all our teachers. then the line of endless hugs from mostly people i didn't know or didn't care to remember. afterward i felt like taking a shower. my coach and mom's good friend Bridgett was the only one who almost made me cry--she was near the end and i'm not entirely sure why she was the only one with such a huge effect on me. i guess she's had a lot of influence in my life.

as for my party, someone should have told me how much of a headache it is to be the center of attention! but i guess then i wouldn't have invited so many people. my great grandma came and even remembered to bring jason's graduation card from a couple years back! she's a blast. i was exhausted by the time it was all over and was falling asleep on the floor watching scrubs with my best friend Dana and jason and morgan steele--back from the Navy stationed in Japan.

the next few weeks are really a blur. i worked for the first week after graduation, then mom, dad and I went up to Montana for a week, then when i got back everything seemed lost in a haze of boxes and wrapping and tape. my only breaks were to see Pirates 3 with a couple friends and hanging out with Ryan. mom and i left sunday morning early with the dogs in tow and didn't get off the the road for 22 hours. hardly any of which she woudl let me drive. granted, I-80 was terrifying for the hour i drove on it--i've never seen so much traffic in my life! i swear every second i thought i was going to end up killing us all. the dogs snore and were about as stressed out as us. i don't recommend trying to drive from Kansas to Montana in one day unless your superman, or jason.

so there's my update--i'm heading to Missoula for orientation this tuesday, then the week after that to California for FCCLA nat'ls, then back to Kansas to pick up the rest of our stuff. as of today still waiting on the moving truck to arrive--should be tomorrow or the next day at the latest.

prom

2007-05-02T08:21:00.000-07:00

so prom was this past weekend... i had fun, at least more fun than last year. it mighta been awesome if the dj had played decent music. but i had a cool date, so except for the music, i had a good time. after prom, however, is another story. i think after prom has always sucked but i just didn't realize it before because i was hanging out with good friends. not to say i wasn't hanging out with good friends, i just got bored a lot faster this time. anyway, seems like everyone is doing this travel map thing, so here's mine:

addiction

2007-02-22T06:46:00.000-08:00

The Merriam-Webster online dictionary defines addiction as:

compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance (as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol) characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal; broadly : persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful

people aren't addicted to cigarettes, it's the nicotine. when cigarettes first came out, no one knew they would cause lung cancer and other problems. but the companies knew that nicotine would be addictive, so they put a lot in to get buyers hooked. they used their employees as walking billboards by getting them to smoke on the job. the cigarettes got higher and higher percentages of nicotine as people started to realize how bad they were and tried to quit.

at least that's the background information for the story line in John Grisham's The Runaway Jury. and just the thought that cigarette companies would continue to sell harmful substances after they were proved to be a main factor in health problems. and target younger and younger crowds just to sell a product. it makes me sick

my grandma has lung cancer. technically it was caused by a mole which could be blamed on the sun. but she smoked for 30 years thinking cigarettes were not a problem. and you can't say that they weren't a factor in her many health problems. it's not like her cancer is a new thing. she has been up and down in health for i don't know how long. but now it seems to be getting worse. for a while she was in treatment for the spreading cancer. but then the medication was making her go blind. so they took her off that and tried something new. and now the drugs have weakened her system to the point where she can't take them anymore. and the cancer is attacking the weak spots. she's 80 something and she has trouble breathing, doesn't have the energy to get up and move, can't see well, and the cancer is hitting her brain as well, so she has memory problems too.

when you have someone this close showing the effects of a lifetime of smoking, i don't know how anyone can continue smoking. you see it every day. you watch them deteriorate. i don't care if it is hard to quit--do it already--i don't want to lose anyone else.

Valentine baby

2007-02-15T07:08:00.000-08:00

my host parents finally emailed me back! I'm so excited! My host mom is supposed to have her third baby this week sometime. my host dad is hoping for a boy, and Hiroko thinks it will be. they sent an email with a picture of the girls--they are so cute! It's funny--they told me my aunt (she's my age) started working at a pizza place and is loving not having to study. although if i remember, she should be and her mom is probably nagging her to start! they are confused about where we are living now though. i told them about dad getting that job in Montana, and they aren't sure but think i've already moved out of Kansas. oh well, i'll send them an actual letter about my graduation here pretty soon.

Don't stop me now

2007-01-19T07:47:00.000-08:00

Cause I'm havin a good time, havin a good time...
There's no stoppin meeee. I'm burnin through the sky. yea, 200 degrees that's why they call me Mr. Fahrenheit! I'm travelin at the speed of light! I wanna make a supersonic man outa you!

So I was listening to Queen yesterday before our game. And during warm-up, Mom caught me and told me--Dad took the job in Montana!! We're movin to Montana! Woohoo!!!

And I started thinking about the times that Dad and I would turn on some music in the basement and start swing dancing for no reason. We would play one of his records or some classic stuff (like Queen) and just start dancing away. I think maybe that is why I like to dance so much. Cause when we dance, its crazy and fun and the more we suck at it, the more fun we have. I don't like going to school dances because everyone is out there to judge you. Even the people you are dancing with judge the way you dance. But with my dad, neither of us care how good (or bad) the other person is. Life is too short, and the world is too big, for me to care what any one person thinks about me and what makes me happy.

Amber and I were talking on the way up to the game Friday night about singing. We know that we will never be professional or even anywhere close to it. But we don't stop singing because of that. It makes us happy, so we keep on singing. Her dad told her when she was young to never stop singing to please someone else. Never stop singing when someone else walks into the room. If it makes you happy, that's all that matters in life. I think he was completely right. If you live your life according to what other people think is right, you will never enjoy your own. And for that matter, how do they know what is right? Maybe the way you think is revolutionary, but if you never express youself, how will anyone know, and how will anyone change?

A friend of mine was really pissed off about drinkers in this school the other day. I found myself thinking that he had a right to be pissed off, but I didn't really get angry myself. Because I've conditioned myself to assume that everyone in this small town drinks, and there is nothing I do that would ever change that. These kids have been raised to think that drinking is bad but everyone does it, even their own parents. So that makes it ok. The cops never nail them for it. Their parents half the time buy it for them and will argue with anyone that "Kids will be kids." That is so much bullshit. Kids look for rolemodels. And usually they use their parents. No matter how independent they think they are--everyone needs someone to look up to. So if the parents and the schools and the police didn't accept the "kids will be kids" attitude, maybe there wouldn't be so much drinking. He says he thinks he doesn't like to drink because he has seen his own mother throw her life away doing it herself. My parents don't drink and really never have. I don't know how they managed to raise two children that don't drink, but I really hope I can do the same some day.

New Years Doubts

2007-01-08T09:16:00.000-08:00

It is the New Year! I don't know how to describe this feeling. It is nearing graduation and I don't know if I am happy to be leaving or not. I think that if we weren't moving, I would have no problem letting go. Because I could always come back to visit. But now our family is moving too. When I come back for the holidays, it will be like starting over. I'm sure my parents will make friends in Montana, they always do, but I will only have my friends from college, and they will still be 400 miles away. I will come "home" for the holidays, but not really "home." At times, the year seems to be going so slowly, just creeping along at this incredibly slow rate. And then again, it seems like I'm stuck on this train that's flying through the year and there's no way to stop it or slow it down. I wish Dad could be sure of his job in Montana. I wish we could go visit up there. I think that would calm my nerves a little. I seem to be floating along, not really committing to being here, because I know I'm moving, but not to anywhere else because I don't know where I'm going... If I could just see for sure where we are moving, it would be easier to picture us living there. I think about the big things, like leaving friendships that have taken years to form here. And familiar surroundings. But then I find myself worrying about stupid little things, like how will they now where to send my yearbook when they get it in next year. And how will I keep in contact with people so I know about a reunion somewhere down the road.

elaboration

2006-12-14T07:27:00.000-08:00

to elaborate on my earlier post...

so Kyler and I went in to see Mr. Winter a month ago about the class rank situation. as of right now, a special ed student is ranked second in the class. Mr. Winter didn't tell us anything! he avoided questions like a politician. class rank has been a problem for years at this school. last year, the person who should have been valedictorian remained third in the class under two girls that took easy A classes while she took Calc and Physics. This year, our curriculum completers are ranked 4th and lower down. 2nd is special ed and 3rd takes ag classes. we need to weight the curriculum completer classes, but Winter won't do a thing because he is a pansy. he is afraid of the board and the superintendent. the superintendent won't change it because "that's how he did it at his last school and everyone has to listen to him"

Pansy

2006-11-28T18:16:00.000-08:00

so once again, Mr. Winter has shown us how much he is a pansy. and the mean kid with the magnifying glass on top of the ants is Mr. Burton, our superintendent. everyone scwirms underneath him because he has all the power.

this No Child Left Behind stuff is bullshit. all we are doing is gradually lowering our standards and making America as a whole stupid.

smart people

2006-11-07T07:49:00.000-08:00

i went to a smart people banquet last night. didn't fit in. these kids have nothing else to do with their time but study. i'm sure most of them were thrilled to get that dictionary. o well. it is a nice dictionary. Mom and i ate the dinner comparing etiquette techniques. She knew most of it because she had to learn it from Mommy2. i knew some from Brooke. i really don't know why Brooke knows etiquette, but she taught us some during the summer. The rest of the night, spent talking to the least nerdy person at our table. and he was still a nerd. a lot of them will find it hard to adjust to college. i'm not saying i won't, but i don't think i'll have as hard a time as the B is a flunking grade, i'll die if i get one people. Mina was there too! I went up to talk to her and asked her what she was doing there--she made some comment about her SAT scores being scary enough that she didn't know how she got there either. the Manhattan Principal talked about most of his honor students having above a 4.0. that's only because they weight their classes. it makes a 4.0 look like nothing when we work hard (probably harder) to get it.

applications, applications, applications

2006-10-26T13:10:00.000-07:00

i'm dreading starting that paperwork. i guess it goes back to me being a procrastinator. i keep putting these things off, but when i finally do them, they really aren't that hard to do. i just feel like someone has poured concrete around me and i can't get going. actually they shouldn't be that hard to do since i finished that whole packet for Japan in about a week. i put that off for as long as i could and then when i finally did it, it wasn't that hard anyway. it's all a bunch of technical stuff anyways.

i took my very last test on saturday morning. finally. the science section was extremely hard this time. i think maybe my brain was just fried by the time i got to it. i'd taken the SAT two weeks before. the essay on that was pretty hard. probably one of the worst essays i've ever written. but i took the act plus writting and that essay was a lot easier. i don't know maybe it was because they gave me more to work with or that they gave me five extra minutes or that i was at least a little prepared this time. i'd seen what the essay was like already and was ready to bomb another one. if they can read my handwriting on this test, i don't think i did too bad. at least on that part. o well

going on a roadtrip

2006-10-16T09:32:00.000-07:00

so i didn't like the last template. it only lasted for the weekend. it didn't seem like me to me. at the end of this week we are going to visit Macalester in St. Paul. finally. i think it is going to be cold up there. it snowed and we are leaving on thursday after lunch. i hope it is all i think it is going to be. if money weren't a problem, i would probably go there at the drop of a hat. i've been looking into their international programs. it seems that this school has quite the department. actually it is more than a department. it is more like what the school was founded on. students from over 90 countries. i don't know what i could do with a major in international studies, but at least it is a direction to be looking. i was looking at the application and it is pretty daunting. it looks long and time consuming. like something i'd want to do over a long break where i had nothing else to do but fill out these applications.

i feel like i'm waiting for scholarship opportunities to just fall into my lap. i know that won't happen, but that doesn't make me go out and search for them. i don't think filling out scholarship applications would be that hard, but i have little motivation to go out and find some for me all the same.

o man...

2006-10-13T07:57:00.000-07:00

about time for something new. it's Friday, October 13, and I did not start my day out the way I wanted. I got a warning this morning for speeding. great. right before school. I was in the office for five minutes when Jordan, the secretary's son in my class, came in to give me hell. he passed me on his way to school. the way small towns send news around, my boss probably already knows about it. but at least I don't have to face any of them for a few weeks.

alone in a crowd

2006-09-25T09:21:00.000-07:00

As I walked around the crowded scene at the first home football game, I couldn't help but think of how desolate it looked to me. Neither of my parents were there and Jason was in Lawrence. Plus most of my friends graduated last year. The pang of lonliness hit as I stood alone in a crowd, thinking of how things have changed. Up to this point I'd been able to avoid thinking of how different life was with my dad several 100 miles away. Knowing everyone around me and at the same time feeling utterly alone, it almost felt like a scene from a movie where everything around the main character is moving so fast but they're just standing still. I heaved a big sigh and went to find the people I call friends.

It was different at this last football game. Dad was home and I felt more connected to the things around me. I never noticed how just knowing someone is there makes a place more friendly. I didn't even have to see him or go find my family, but just the thought that if I wanted to, I could disconnect from the superficial world and hang out with my family.

I guess I've been overestimating the power of modern technology. I could talk to my dad almost anytime I wanted to and could send pictures back and forth through blogger or email, but I just haven't done it very much. Taellor said something about only going to the homecoming dance because she didn't want to go home. I hope no one takes their family for granted. This scenario is much better than one where you could never talk to your family again but it is still almost as bad. What a cruel little game to play where someone is ripped from your grasp just to dangle in front of you again a moment later.

Concentrate

2006-09-08T07:46:00.000-07:00

This picture amazes me every time I see it. Look at her concentration. It's like nothing around her matters at that moment except getting the arrow to go exactly where she wants it. Sometimes I wish I were able to just block everything out, even if just for a moment, to accomplish a goal...

my philosophy

2006-09-06T09:14:00.000-07:00

"It was my first clue that atheists are my brothers and sisters of a different faith, and every word they speak speaks of faith. Like me, they go as far as the legs of reason will carry them—and then they leap."--Yann Martel, Life of Pi.

Brennan, you're always mad about us bashing religion, but we aren't really that different. This is one of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite books. It means that atheists will believe anything reason can prove, and then when they need more, they take a chance. The leap of faith for us isn't a leap of faith exactly, but it is kind of the same idea. This community is so wrapped up in religion. If you want to be different, really different, it takes a lot of courage and determination. So don't undermine my decision just because it is different from yours. That is how most wars get started--all religions have basically the same idea behind them. A higher being created the world and all that. So why do people fight over their own interpretations? It is just a different way of seeing something that everyone happens to know about. I'm not saying we should abolish religion, if we did, people would just find something else to argue about. I'm saying people should try to understand other's views before losing their tempers.

ARGGG!

2006-09-01T07:57:00.000-07:00

alright this is in response to something brennan said the other day. i already answered, but i'm going to explain it a little more. just because i WENT to japan and i STILL talk about it DOESN'T mean that i'm rubbing it in your FACE! that experience is one of the best i've ever had and i REFUSE to just "get over it." something like that is meant to change your life, if it doesn't, you skrewed something up and made yourself have a bad time. and besides brennan, you would never leave the state by yourself, let alone the country! so don't tell me to get over it if you don't know what it is like, never will, and don't plan to!

Athens

2006-08-30T09:22:00.000-07:00

I was looking at the UGA website today and just in general looking around. it had a link to a map of Athens, our old town. so I decided to look and see if i could find our old house. the first map showed Oconee County, but when i zoomed in, all i could see was Mars Hill Rd. I recognize the name but I don't remember where it was in respect to our house. Dad doesn't live in Athens, but in another town about an hour away. i wonder what it will be like to be living in that area again. i haven't kept in touch with my old friends like jason has. i did at the start, but i was too young to really have the means or the drive to find ways so it kinda slipped slowly away.

Schreiber is always telling us to try to get out away from this area if you can. that has always been my plan. i never really liked Kansas when we moved--it was a kind of rebelllion for me. if i didn't like the new place we were living in, then i wasn't completely rolling over for the whole thing. but now i don't have a choice of moving away from this town, i just have to. it's not that i wouldn't have anyway, it's just that now i won't have any ties back here when we move. and i won't ba able to spend my last summer before college with my friends. i'll be sucked into moving in right away. sure we have our friends there, but i don't really know them that well

since mom is in denver right now, that leaves me to be adopted for the week by any family that wants me. so i have at least three new moms--Vicki Jones, Tami Howland, and Nettie Gude. i'm sure i have more just looking out for me that i don't know about, but those are the main ones. when we move i've already been told by a couple of moms that they would love to have me if i wanted to stay a little extra time. theres a part of me that is the traveler and wants to get up and go right now, but no matter how much i deny it, i am a little attached to this place

school is random

2006-08-24T09:28:00.000-07:00

i need a new post

so i'm in govt, and everyones supposed to take the preamble. i took it yesterday, it was easy. speech the other day completely sucked. i don't what it is, but i can tell a story about my family to people anytime, except when i'm up in front of a class. we are reading the Great Gatsby in AP English. i've read it before, and i thought it was good then, so i'm enjoying it. this week we read some crazy story about a woman whose husband is trying to make her go crazy and he eventually succeeds. She starts ripping the wallpaper off the walls because she thinks she sees a woman in the walls. anyway, our new science teacher is really weird. i don't think shes a very good teacher, our physics class never pays attention, but she keeps on talking...

the soap scrimage is tonight, i didn't even think about it, but i'll probably have to be there, i've got a haircut after school, and then i was going to go grocery shopping with my mom, but i don't know if i'll be able to. anyway, i need to work on this big english project this weekend before she leaves (lucky, she gets to see dad for a whole week).

Nashville

2006-07-24T15:18:00.000-07:00

fine! you all want an update? but you have to hear about my trip to Nashville. so... where to start... well we left entirely too early in the morning. i met mrs. dowell, brooke, and robert (and laurel) at laurel's house at 2 on friday morning. I remember driving over there thinking, "hmm, i don't remember this road being dirt...maybe i'm not going the right way..." well it was the right way and after quite a long time of trying to fit everyone's luggage in the van (and waiting on brooke, geez...) we were on our way. brooke and i claimed the back with laurel in the seat ahead of us and robert up front with Mrs. Dowell. met the other van in the parking lot of the grocery store (i think it was the grocery store...it Was about 3, give me a break) in wamego. don't know exactly why. stopped again in topeka to pick up kim and switch people around. so then it was me and brooke in back with marci and robert in front of us and kim and mrs. dowell up front. seemed like a good idea at the time... anyway, brooke and i were listening to Dane Cook and laughing our heads off, partly because that guy is so funny, and partly because we were so tired, and partly because it was annoying the other people in the van and that is always fun. the whole drive we made at least 30 too many stops. we stopped in St. Louis at the arch and went up. got some awesome photos. do you know how hard it is to sleep at a right angle on a computer bag? hard. literally. got to Nashville after 7. i'm not quite sure how late it was. hotel was huge!! it had a food court. it had it's own shops. it had a conference wing. it had a pub district. it had three pools. it had a river running through it (and a river ran through it... sounds familiar...) we know this because we got lost the first night. and the second. and probably several other times.

saturday morning we went to the Nashville zoo. of all places you could go in Nashville, we go to the zoo. i tried to make the best of it. ok no i didn't try to make the best of it. because there was no best of it. hot, muggy, we're in music city and we go to the zoo. oh well. later on we go to mcdonalds for lunch. catch the portugal germany game on tv. spent the drive back looking for it on the radio. the only station playing the 3rd place world cup game is in spanish. the only reason i knew it was the game was because i recognized the player's names. Deco, C. Ronaldo, Figo (he wasn't playing yet, but i thought i heard it), and then Klose for Germany. i know there was an attempt at a goal, but missed because i heard the announcer's voices go up in excitement but then fall back down with dissapointment. met dad at the hotel. then we walked to the Grand Ole Opry--walked. it took only a few minutes. the mall across the street might have been a farther walk. the Opry was sweet! Vince Gil played at the end. then we had a meeting after. dad was going to go get pizza for us with Karla Hoard, but she left with the other girls and didn't tell us. so we are dragging this suitcase thing down the hall trying to find our meeting room (me, dad, brooke, and marci). brooke is dragging the thing when this guy comes up behind us and brooke unknowingly tries to run him over with it. i say, "uh, brooke, be careful, there's someone behind you..." she looks and has basically the same reaction i was having--ooh, hot guy, polite, too. marci takes the suitcase from brooke so she can take it up the stairs, and the guy picks up the back end and helps her take it up the stairs. turns out the guy is the national officer from New Mexico. had a melting accent--i mean it, his accent was killing me. the meeting was boring, but brooke and i met Jared, Drew, and AJ from Toganoxie. they were funny guys. our state meeting caused a fight between the state officers and peer ed. that was interesting. the state officers were whining that peer ed was trying to take some power away from them when all peer ed was trying to do was help (which happens to be their purpose) anyway we got back and had some late night pizza. dad went back to his hotel down the street. brooke and i (and maybe marci, i don't remember) attempted to get lost again.

sunday we went to the wildhorse saloon. they had an awesome band playing, Jason Jones was the name of the lead singer. they were really good. we were up against the stage next to the lead guitarist. we talked to him a little bit. we found David, Michelle, and Travis (people who went to Japan with us last year). the band took a break and the first song to come on the speakers was Sweetness by Jimmy Eat World. i thought it was really funny to see all the girls who had been going crazy over the band stop and look around a little confused at the song that was playing. and brooke and i were singing every word. probably the only two in the place that knew the song. our day at the wildhorse wasn't over yet, but i got on the bus to go back to the hotel to watch the world cup final with dad. kim was worried about me going on a bus alone, seems she had forgotten that i had been on crowded subways with more stops in Japan last summer, i think i can handle a bus with FCCLA kids and only one stop. i got back to my room just in time to see the so called foul that called for Zidane's penalty kick and France's only goal. shortly after Italy equalized. then dad came and watched the rest of the game with me. then brooke and marci showed up to watch some of it before we had to go to a state picture meeting. talked to the boys (aka Drew and AJ and Jared from Toganoxie) and then finally got organized. as soon as they were done, marci and i sprinted back to the room for the rest of the game. it took a few minutes to sprint all the way across that hotel, it was so big. we had left right at the beginning of overtime and made it back at the 22nd minute. so we missed the head butt, but they replayed it later. several of us gathered in the room to finish the game. even dad was celebrating Italy's win (he had been rooting for France, but changed his mind part way through the game). then he left for Georgia and the group went to the mall. found a flag shop that had soccer shirts. there was a guy in there from italy whose daughters were (in his words) "roaming the streets of rome" i bet some of rome was on fire with all the flares going off. we met a woman in the candle shop from italy--she talked to us for a while because i was wearing my italia jacket. we ate at the aquarium for dinner. the waitress had a southern accent that triggered both brooke's and mine. we were terrible. perhaps it wasn't all on accident, again it is so fun to annoy certain people. tried to get lost and lose a tag-along.

at some point we watched a band play in one of the restaurants in the hotel. they did some crazy moves on stage and were pretty good.

monday brooke, marci, robert, laurel, ashley and i all went to a meeting to become ushers for the opening meeting. one day (i think it was monday) we went back to the mall with megan and ate lunch there and shopped a little more. i bought jason a shirt and me a portugal key chain. they are awesome. i had fun at the meeting. i stood in an aisle and waited for people to look lost, then i would ask them where they were trying to go. before people started coming in, i talked to the texas state officers--i was standing in front of their section. the guy i talked to was entertaining. the national officers did a skit during the meeting.since it was music city, we had elvis, jessica and ashley simpson, dolly parton, two rap artists, and an emo kid. emo kid was the national officer who helped us in the hall saturday night. he was wearing a dashboard confessional shirt. brooke was distracted by the guitar on stage. i was distracted by the fact that New Mexico was wearing a dashboard shirt. so the meeting wasn't too boring. plus the guy doing the elvis impression was pretty good.

one of these days we met robert's roommates (i assume they were all from columbus because that's where James Dean was from)--Jim (james dean, his name was actually james dean), Nick, and Ryan. we also met Tim from Axtell. he looks familiar and he should because he plays basketball and we play their team.

tuesday, brooke had something to do, and the rest of us had sessions to go to. we listened to a guy bash high school relationships (yea! somebody else thinks they won't last, too), and some lady talk about character. two georgia guys we had met the night before got up on stage. they were great. we ate lunch with brooke in the hallway/lobby outside our rooms (one of many many many lobbies). we went to the business meeting in the afternoon, then went to the cancer walk. we walked a lot!

wednesday marci and april and i did our japan spotlight on project booth. brooke came and snuck marci and i out to watch the impressionist speaker. he was really funny. and really good. then we got back and april left to change. we went to the country music hall of fame in downtown Nashville. Brooke and i were the last ones out of there. well actually marci was but only because she didn't really know what was going on and was wandering around aimlessly. look at that. that is Johnny Cash's guitar. wow. that is all i can say. we went on a river cruise--it was nothing really special. had some entertainment and a fancy meal. brooke and i went out on deck to take pictures of downtown at night. we came back in another way down some carpeted stairs. i got down one and i must have stepped on the side of my high-heeled shoe because i went down suddenly. all the way down. luckily there were only three steps. it was so funny that i just sat there and laughed for a few minutes. we went out on the back deck to talk to tim for a little and then went back in for dessert and the rest of the entertainment. when we got back we stayed ing the lobby til midnight with our new friends like we had done every night.

thursday we slept in a little. til 9ish. we did something in the morning, but i can't remember what it was, so it must not have been important. went to the closing meeting. Michael got National President!! Yea!! Michael was the Kansas state president last year as a sophomore. he was on state board with me. nice guy. has a vendetta out for peer ed though. went to the gala--a dance held in two rooms. in the first room we met up with Jim and Drew and danced to country music until they started the line dancing. then we went to check out the other room. it was strictly a dance music room. it had that one beat that stays in your head for hours afterwards. after a while went back to the other room. saved jim from his group of young crushing girls following him around. i helped teach drew a line dance--it was funny. after that they went into the complicated dance and i gave up. back in the other room, brooke and i danced to some latin music--that was fun. at one point we were walking to a table to sit down, and this guy was walking toward us and giving us that look. brooke was almost oblivious andtried to walk into him. i returned the stare because by that point i was so tired of guys looking at me or whoever was with me and i was thinking, "what do you Want, loser?" when he got past us it suddenly dawned on me--that was the former national president, the one that had been on stage all week, certainly not a loser. my bad. michael, the new national president, never made it to the dance, he always got caught by someone wanting to talk to him or congratulate him and blah, blah, blah. so we got back at 11ish, talked to our friends, said our goodbyes, got pictures, and then went to pack. we fell asleep while mrs. dowell, kim and karla got the vans ready. we left about the same time--2 or 3. robert and marci grumpily took the back seat. ok. this time i slept on a box of food and my small bag. we spent a couple hours in hell--the Precious Moments Chapel. the small figurines with the crazy sad eyes have their own chapel. where you go to worship the tiny porcelin dolls. ahhhhh!!!! we got home about 9.

nowwhat

2006-06-14T16:55:00.000-07:00

father's day is fast approaching and yet my father, who has always been here but is never fully appreciated on this day, is not here this time.

Mom and him moved him down to Georgia the 4th of June. She just got back this monday. While they were gone a number of things happened. Our neighbor came and stole our kittens, I went to my last state board meeting for FCCLA (it was overnight and I got sick), the last remaining cat in the barn died, i went to a track meet that was entirely too hot (and I did terribly), and I worked at the bank every day in between. A couple good things happened though. On friday, Diego and Brennan brought us pizza and snapple, then we all went into town to play soccer on the turf. We played a game when it was getting darker--me and Diego vs. Jason and Brennan. Diego and my team dominated the competition. On thursday, Jason and I were hungry but unwilling to cook, so we drove into Bricks. Vickie and Brooke showed up a little after we did and ate dinner with us. Sunday I did pretty much nothing the whole day--it was nice. There were a bunch of movies on TV plus the World Cup games. Just a few hours ago Jason and I were watching the replay of the Spain/Ukrane game. Spain had some pretty sweet goals. A free kick at the goal just fired in past the wall (it actually hit one Ukrane guy, and that is probably threw off the goalie). And then a penalty kick, too, went in. I guess I'm enjoying my time at the bank--I like the other people who work there--a few of my friends' parents and Hattie and Justin Booth. And it's not very hard work, it can get very frustrating when the numbers don't add up right, or someone is very impatient with me being new.

I've got another track meet coming up next week. I'm not really expecting much. I pretty much suck lately at high jump. I don't know what is wrong with me, but I can't seem to get even the easy heights. And I'm finding out that I always sucked at hurdles. I'm several seconds slower than the girl in my age group, and most of the others in lower age groups. It's only because I can't three step or alternate legs. I tried three step this morning at practice, but I just can't seem to get there. And it doesn't help when there's no one there to help me, and a girl behind me that can only complain about being there and having to do anything. It's SUMMER--that means if you don't want to be in this track club, you don't have to come. If you're being forced, you need to take that up with your parents, not complain about it CONSTANTLY at practice when some people are trying to get work done. I guess maybe I'll have to really work on alternating at Friday's practice, even though it scares me to death. I think maybe I'll start running in the mornings just to keep my legs in shape and get stronger.

update

2006-05-31T17:06:00.000-07:00

this will be a quickie...i'm at mom's office waiting for them to finish fixing the basement. so what have i been doing? well, i can't really remember monday-don't know why-must have been too boring. or tuesday. but last wednesday i had nothing to do all day long. i had taken all my finals and was just bored out of my mind all day. so i kinda let loose and went a little crazy. i was hyper and actually talked through most of the day! i know--shocker. i hit a turkey--it took out my headlight. it must have been pretty funny to see my car driving down the road with the light hanging out the side and turkey feathers stuffed everywhere. i talked to Dan at the bank--got my job. then had to go in and talk to the manhattan track club guy. i wasn't in a happy mood so i probably came across a little rude. anyway, thursday was also pointless. although i do remember having to write a stupid paragraph about why i should pass English III in 10 minutes. the rest of the day was ok i guess. taellor and i played frisbee in the front of the school when we got too frustrated with the terrible people playing volleyball inside. it was hot. so when mrs. dowell (oh crap, i need to call her still) drove up with water, we totally took advantage. but when we were getting our drinks, the four sophomore girls took our frisbee spot. so we wandered around a little more, looked for a soccer ball-guess what, i think our school has deflated all the soccer balls we used to have (i think it's a conspiracy), saw the new science teacher (she looks crazy) and talked to the cool teachers (i'm a cool mom!). sorry about all the interruptions, i've been shut up in town all day and my mind is going crazy!!! so what else... i got burned during a water fight down at sand volleyball with the teachers. then me taellor and britney and mrs. dowell stayed down to enjoy the heat and water. we rode back to the school in the back of mrs. dowells jeep, superintendent saw us and was compelled to talk to us. got back to listen to mr. winter blab about "Friendship camp" mrs. dowell threw me my frisbee in the middle of that meeting. she missed and i had to go running to catch it. i wanna go to friendship camp--it sounds like soooo much fun!! (if you can't tell i'm being sarcastic, there's something wrong with you)

got home (finally) and pulled an all night FIFA with Jason, Diego, and Brennan. Only way it could have been funner was if Kris had come (ha ha ha) and if I had won a game. Next day kinda sucked--I had a headache from being up all night. At 6 or so we went out to see the sun rise. Then at 10 we went to Olsburg to play frisbee and soccer. Not such a good idea. My feet were burned from thursday and they hurt when i kicked the ball. Plus i didn't have enough energy to kick it anyway. When we got home, Brennan left followed shortly by Diego. Then I went and took a shower and fell into my bed. That was at 11 am or so. Mom woke me up at 8:45 for dinner. After that i went back to bed. Sunday i had to go in and help move the Bernina shop across town. Early. It was muggy but we finished before noon and went to lunch at Valentinos (eww, thanks a lot April) Monday and Tuesday we were in Greensburg visiting the grandparents. Then Wednesday I had to get up and go into town for practice. I finished that at about 9:30. In the morning. Then I hung out at mom's office till 11 when i thought we were going to lunch. Dad didn't show till 11:30. Mom couldn't leave till 1:30. We ate Chinese--probably not the best idea. Then I went back to mom's for hours!! I was bored as you can see from the above paragraph.

Thursday was my first day at work at the bank. It was ok. But when I got done, I had to turn around and go help babysit for FCCLA in Manhattan. We were there till 10:30. Today I had to get back up and go into work. I was so tired that I had trouble reading numbers when I was filing checks. Came home for lunch, then went back in to finish the day. Had to ask Dan for all this time off next week--feel kinda bad. Then came home. I was supposed to go back in to take the stuff to the yard sale at 6:30. I took a nap thinking "I'll just sleep a couple more minutes." My couple more minutes turned out to be an hour. So I rushed in to give them the clothes. They were only waiting on me before everyone went home. Tomorrow is the Olsburg Festival. Have to work the morning at the bank, then I'm done. Mom and Dad leave for the south early Sunday morning.

throw the caps, they're gone

2006-05-23T18:26:00.000-07:00

so i'm blogging today because someone thinks I don't blog enough. Hey. I just blogged yesterday--you're impatient.

graduation was this weekend. Mom and I went to Marci's party saturday night. It was nothing special, just a lot of her family there. It was very crowded. Then on Sunday, we started the day out at Brooke's. She had awesome food and a picture wall. At 2:20 Jason and I left for Brennan's. We were supposed to pick up John at 2:30 in Olsburg. We were a little late, and sure enough, John calls at about 2:31 with a "Where are you? What time were you supposed to pick me up? and what time is it now?" He is so responsible according to Jason. Brennan's was packed with family--I tried the fruit and dip--it was good. I can assume the cheesecake bites were good since both Jason and John had at least 3 of them. We had to leave early so I could go to Hattie's. We stopped in Olsburg to drop the two of them off and I continued on to Hattie's alone. Her party had a ton of people there also. I talked to her in the kitchen for a while, then we went to the lodge and I talked to her grandmother. Her grandma loves me. Of course she loves a lot of people, but I think I'm special. It was so funny to watch her get all excited over Hattie's presents. She could hardly stand to watch Hattie carefully unwrap each one and take all that time to read the cards.

I left a little after 5 for home. Where I got dressed and had a small difficulty with my hair. It didn't want to stay up in my Japanese pin. I got a call from Diego saying that he was now at Brennan's and where were we? I informed him that we had been there earlier and that if he hadn't gone in to see that movie, he might have seen us. Then since I was escorting the seniors I got into a long discussion about why that was important and I had to sit up front the whole time in a pretty dress. Which was ok with me because I like my pretty dress and don't mind sitting quietly in the second row for a hour and a half.

I walked in with Jordan and had to keep his attention focused on me because I could tell he was a little nervous. Then we had to stand and watch all the seniors file in behind us. Do you know how hard it is to keep a fake smile on your face for 16 or so couples walking in to a slow graduation song? I can tell you it was extremely hard. I spent some time trying to get some of the seniors to laugh as they walked in. Dora and Becca were last in. They took there sweet time, too. Then we sat down for the long haul. The Valedictorian and Salutatorian speeches were shaky--there were a lot of people there to listen to Bill Snyder. Now that I could have stood to skip. I wasn't looking forward to it too much in the first place. He droned on forever. I had to entertain myself somehow. I found myself laughing because he was saying the same thing for the umpteenth time. "Now I'm gonna end with this...priorities...let me tell you a brief story...I wanna leave you with this thought...blah, blah, blah." When Bill Snyder says to you, "Let me tell you a brief story," say NO! and run in the opposite direction. His brief stories are ANYthing but brief.

when it was finally over I found myself being pushed out the door in a mad rush of people with Jordan close behind. Mom made some rude gestures at me that I will not repeat or explain here. Finally, we made it out, and I wandered over to talk to Diego. He said something about me looking nice and I said "I told you." He thinks I don't take compliments well. I thought it was rather funny considering our previous conversation. I'm going to speed through this next part because it is much of the same thing and quite boring actually. Went through the line, had to keep Marci from crying, saw Mrs. Klinker--our retired middle school science teacher, talked to some people, saw Lauren's burned legs, took some pictures, then left for Dana's party.

Dana's was crowded, I had some food (I've decided that I did a running poll of the food at each of the parties I went to and it was all pretty good. I had a glass of punch at Marci's, too). The best part was seeing her get Debbie Brighton's grad present. Debbie is an artist and she drew a picture of Dana's horse for her. Dana is probably one of the best horse people I know and that picture meant a lot to her since she had to sell some (some? all? not sure) of her horses this year.

After that I went home and hung out with Jason, Diego, and Kris. We played with a beach ball in Jason's room for a while. Then Jason and Kris played FIFA. I think Kris lost one game 7-0. Geez! I think even I have done better than that. At some point during a game Dad came down and told me I needed to go bed since I had school the next day. What a downer! School? Who needs it? I could have skipped all my finals and still managed A's in all my classes. But oh well. All in all, I had a great time.

Regionals

2006-05-22T07:30:00.000-07:00

Ahhh, Regionals. Actually, before that, I had to practice with the seniors for graduation. We actually got done somewhere during 2nd hour, but neither Jordan or I wanted to go back to class. So we socialized in the gym for a while, then went to the office. Jordan complained about being hungry to his mom, who also happens to be the secretary. So she went back to the teacher's lounge and got us both a donut. It was sooo good! Man was I hungry. But then Ms. Milner came in and said that if she had to go to class, then I had to, too (I have her third hour anyway).

So we left for regionals at around 12:30 on Friday. Just like the last time we went to Beloit, we had to wait on Brooke. So we went into the commons and stretched out on the cold floor. Funny thing is, the weather was totally different from last time. The last time, it was pouring rain and cold and I think I got a little sick from that meet. This time it was so hot I was wishing for a little rain. Turns out it got over 100 degrees that day. Two hours crammed into a small, hot bus. I tried to sleep, I don't know if it worked. We got there and it was miserable from the start. Hanson had made some gatorade for us--only problem was, he made it way too strong! It was disgusting to drink. So I bought a water just to add some to my cup.

We started high jump with 16 people at 4'6". I think everyone made that height. Then the problems started. The guy running the track meet couldn't figure out how to run 4-alive. Amy Howell from Linn had a terrible time because she was frustrated with the system. We never knew when we were going to be called. There are three positions for high jump. I was in the third one round, then all of a sudden I wasn't even on the list. Then I jumped into the second without knowing it. I cleared 4'8" (barely, it bounced a little). Amy didn't. I was pretty mad about that, it was her senior year and she can clear 5'0". She should have been going to state. But that was it for her. They got all the way through that height and Kendle and another girl hadn't even jumped yet. So that meant Kendle had no chance at making that height--she had to jump them all in a row. I don't know that she would have cleared it anyway, but it still wasn't right. Then 4'10" comes. I cleared it everytime. And everytime, it just barely got knocked off. One jump I was so mad about missing it, I was stepping off really fast, and I fell onto this box next to the pit. Who puts a box next to the high jump mats, really? I don't really know what happened, I just kind of slipped on it stumbled and ended up on the ground. My ankle is scratched and bruised now. And the worst part is they didn't even move the box after I fell on it! Deters, one of the girls who qualified for state, always landed so far over on the mat that I thought she was going to knock herself out on the box. Anyway, it was a bunch of crap. It was like they just pulled some hick off the street and said, "Here, you run this."

Skip through most of the rest of the day. I did nothing for about 5 hours. Ashley Hoard was annoying everyone throughout the day, even Kammie. When an angel like Kammie thinks someone is annoying, it has to be true. At the end of the day, we were waiting on Hanson to get back with the results. So Brooke and I raced over to the mat and jumped on it. It was cooler than the air outside by then, so it felt really good. We ate at pizza hut after. Didn't leave Beloit till 9ish. On the bus ride home, my legs cramped up and just ached the whole way home. I had trouble shifting gears it hurt so bad.

When I got home, Brennan was at our house playing FIFA with Jason. I played. I lost. I didn't care. Jason played Brennan and got a fake goal. The ball didn't even go in the goal, it went outside the net and they counted it. It didn't matter though because Brennan was losing anyway. Sorry Brennan, Jason has a lot of free time to practice. Anyway, I went to bed at 1:30 or so.

wonderful

2006-05-18T09:24:00.000-07:00

So apparently I'm stressed. I'm worried about the school, the summer, and track. Our school is losing several teachers due to the administration. They may say that this move was their choice, but really it doesn't help when the administration is pushing them into it. They aren't happy here because the administration makes it so hard for them to be so. We have a new science teacher with a physics certification. That is one good thing. But we are losing one of our English teachers. That messes with my first 3 hours of the day next year. I don't know if we will even have AP English next year. I'm not looking forward to speech. If we don't hire an English teacher that will teach AP, I need another AP class. AP Chemistry is third hour--when I have to take speech. The only other speech class is last hour when I have physics. AP History is during Spanish II. So I'm pretty much screwed with this schedule and teacher change. This summer I need to get a job, I need to find out if I'm going to San Jose in June, and I need to prepare for FCCLA Nationals in July. Plus I'm losing my dad to another state for the next year. We have Regional Track tomorrow in Beloit. I would really like to be able to clear 4'10" again and possibly qualify for State. That would be soo cool. But all this is coming at me at once. Jason says I just shouldn't worry about it. But it's not that easy. It's almost like I'm sub-consciously thinking about all this...

Summer

2006-05-16T08:55:00.000-07:00

I love this picture. We were in a Shrine in Japan, I'm not sure which one or where exactly. The little placks are called Ema. You write your wishes on them and hang them around the tree. Then every morning a priest is supposed to come around and bless all the wishes so they come true. The woman standing there is my grandma. I didn't realize at first that she was in the picture, but now that I look at it, I like it better. If she weren't in there, I don't think it would look as real somehow.

Actually, Dad and I just hung a bunch of photos in my room that are from Japan. They are all different sizes and and placed around the path picture. This is one of the bigger ones (besides the path picture) because it really catches your eye when you look at the group as a whole.

I'm thinking that since I still haven't received an email from the guy in charge of the Pre-Departure Orientation for Japan, it means that I'm not going. This may be a good thing--I'm not sure I really want to be gone that much this summer. In July I'm going to FCCLA Nationals in Nashville. It will be fun but it is for an entire week and it costs a lot of money. Plus I'm not so sure that I want to be stuck on a bus for that long with all those crazy people. My only consolation will be Brooke, Robert, and Marci (maybe, sometimes she can really get on my nerves). Dad is moving down to Georgia the first week of June and Mom is going with him for the week. There won't be any room (or money) for me or Jason to tag along, so that means my only vacation will be with FCCLA. I don't think our family has had a true family vacation in a long time. But oh well. I think I'm feeling a wave of loneliness washing over me right now. Not so sure why. I'll enjoy the rest of the summer--I'm really looking forward to going to county fair without all that jet lag.

band is boring

2006-05-15T09:16:00.000-07:00

so i'm sitting here bored to tears in band. Not really but I couldn't help but write it. So this morning I had the usually trouble pulling myself out of bed. I left it until Mom came back and told me to get up. I kept hoping that maybe we had a freak snowstorm in May and couldn't go to school. Or that there was some holiday that I wasn't aware of that got us out of school. No such luck. English we had our final vocab test YEA! I don't have to learn that crap anymore. It took almost the whole hour because she wanted all the stupid people to have plenty of time to finish the test. No offense, but I was done with like 15 minutes to spare. I just don't know what to do with myself with that much free time in her class.

second hour I took my very last AR test ever. I got 100%--it was a very easy book to read and didn't take me very long at all. I was so happy and took my time walking down to the library to return it. When I got back, I decided to enjoy my new book--Spindle's End. I've read it so many times before that I have it basically memorized, although sometimes I get it confused with some of the author's other books. What an easy class that will be for the rest of the year.

chemistry we have a sub since Miss Milner is on senior sneak. We're just doing a review for our final the rest of this week so all I had to do was look up what we did earlier in the year and figure out the new problems. I'm going to enjoy the rest of the day (well, at least try) it seems I don't have much else going on today that I can remember.

Hurdles

2006-05-14T15:36:00.000-07:00

"Let me explain...no, there is too much. Let me sum-up." We just watched The Princess Bride on TV last night. There's some of that randomness for you. Anyway, this post was spurred by Amber's comment on my last entry. She didn't understand what I meant by "3-step." Which is completely understandable, since that is a term only used by hurdlers.

So I'll have to explain. In a 100 meter hurdle race, there are 10 hurdles. Each hurdler has one leg designated as a lead leg and the other as a trail leg. (Some can switch lead legs, but I won't get into that.) So to jump a hurdle, you have to put one leg over first, and the other follows. If you've ever seen a race, you'll know that there is a lot of form to hurdles. You don't have to run a fast 100 meter dash to run a fast 100 meter hurdles. To get up to the first hurdle, I take 8 steps. If I take 9, I will come up to the hurdle with the wrong leg forward. The space in between each hurdle is the same as the way through. I take 5 steps in between so that I reach the next hurdle with the correct leg each time. And I only run in the 19 second range. The girls who run in the 16's and 17's are 3-stepping. The fewer steps you take between the hurdles, the faster you are. So if I could 3-step the space between the hurdles, I would be running them a lot faster and be placing in more meets. Also, the closer you are to the hurdle as you go over it, the faster you are. I almost drag my leg over the hurdle. That means I have pretty good form. But if I get just a little lower, I tend to hit my knee and ankle on my trail leg, which slows me down not only on that hurdle, but on the ones after because I'm trying not to hurt myself any more than I already had. You don't want to glide over the hurdles in the 100, you want to snap your lead and trail legs down to the ground as fast as possible. Gliding will lose time. (That is different from the 300 hurdles, where you want to glide to cover more space since the hurdles are placed farther apart.) That is mostly what it takes to run a 100 meter hurdle race.

League

2006-05-12T08:09:00.000-07:00

yesterday was my league track meet. It was so crazy! High jump started at 4'6" and I was worried I wouldn't do too well. I cleared 4'6" easily on the first jump. 4'8" came around--Amy Howell didn't clear any of 4'8", and I...well...I missed...the first time. The second time, I cleared it! 4'10" was a beautiful jump--cleared the first time without even coming close to the bar. I got off the mat saying, "Oh my God!" The guy holding the bar just looked at me like I was crazy. I ran up to Mom and said, "How the HELL did I CLEAR that?!" It was great. Tied for 3rd with Brianna Bruna. Take that Teeter--who you sending to Regionals now? Linn Coach, now do you want to take a jump away from me? Amy Howell said she would personally deliver the message that the McVay girl cleared 4'10" easily to her coach.

100 hurdles, I improved my time for this year--19.06. Good I guess, but I was a little disappointed because I thought maybe I'd break 19. 6 hundredths away! If I could just 3-step, I would be right up there with them. Once again, I died in the 300 hurdles. Oh well. That didn't really bother me.

does everything start today, or end

2006-05-11T08:22:00.000-07:00

so this bolg truely goes with my overall title. Today is possibly my last track meet. Or maybe I will go to Regionals. I don't know. I will only make it to Regionals if I can jump 4'8" today. Last year I was jumping 4'8" a lot, but I got screwed over by Mr. Teeter. He has a one track mind that never included me in his talented group. Even though I had totally out jumped Kendle almost the whole year. Nothing against her--it wasn't her fault she went to Regionals on one 4'8" jump (and didn't do too well, I might add). But now Teeter is gone and it is all up to me. So far I haven't been able to clear 4'8" this year for some reason. Kendle is once again going to Regionals because she cleared that height once. Today is windy and not exactly prime jumping weather. So I have to really concentrate on this height if I want to go to Regionals. But then there is the fact that if I don't clear it, I will be officially done with track for the year. I can completely concentrate on my numerous English finals coming up, and I don't have to worry about getting back to the high school on time for track practice. It will symbolize a close to my junior year of high school.

and then I will be a senior. I'm not sure what to expect for next year. Chances are that I will be NHS president, FCCLA officer, heavily laden with other resposibilities. Plus I will have to start making decisions on where I want to go to college, what I want to do, how far away from my family I want to be. This summer, Mom, Taellor, Tami and I are going up to visit Macalester in St. Paul, Minnesota. Great looking college, and I would love to go there if money weren't a problem. And then the fact that my parents will be on the opposite side of the country. That is one long drive to get there for Christmas break. I won't be able to come home like Jason does to do his laundry. Or if a relative is visiting, or anything. But do I want to limit myself to going to a Georgia college when that may not be the best place for me? UGA is also a great place, but do I want to go there?

a lot of questions and not a lot of answers here.

a path

2006-05-05T11:34:00.000-07:00

I took this picture in the Inner Garden of the Meiji Jingu Shrine in Harajuku-ku, Tokyo, Japan. It has been the background on my computer for the past few weeks. It seems to symbolize something more than just a path through the grass. Maybe for me it means a path through to the unknown. When I was there, I never walked that path. I took the picture as I was walking another way. The one poet I remember studying in middle school English was Robert Frost. "I took the road less traveled by, and it has made all the difference..." Looking at this now makes me think maybe I didn't explore all my options before choosing my path. Or that in some way I'm holding myself back.

This Day and Age

2006-05-05T09:19:00.000-07:00

I've been listening to This Day and Age for the last hour and I plan on listening to it for the rest of this hour. It seems like it's one of those days where I just want to listen to my music and not be bothered by anyone. It's not anything against anyone in particular, I just want some "me time." So This Day and Age has a great sound I like. It's mellow, but it's not acoustic. Then theres those songs where they're right on the edge of the soft rock category that I like. And that makes them that much better.

So I've got nothing in particular to blog about, just some more ramblings. Last night was our band concert. We did awesome, although my favorite song (the Irish tune) could have gone a whole lot better. We got a standing ovation at the end and we played Soul Bossa Nova for an encore (for all you spell-checkers out there, I'm really not sure about how I spelled half the words in here, so I don't want to know if they're wrong). (Oh, that is how you spell Wednesday... thanks spell check...) Taellor sang twice and was, of course, good. Her second song was a dedication to a friend of her mother's and Jessie's mother's. It was sad. I have to say the choir was still a let down after the band opened as always. Franzi, our German exchange student, told me how embarrased she was about singing their last song (Hey, Big Spender). It was also quite gross to watch Jam motioning obscene things to her boyfriend during that song, yuck!!

We've got a track meet today at Riley that I'm not looking forward to. I have this feeling that I'm going to suck like I did at Beloit. Plus Riley can't run a track meet worth a crap! I gotta go to lunch now.

Beloit

2006-05-01T08:22:00.000-07:00

so friday we had a track meet at Beloit. I got to the school a little before 7:30. It was dreary outside and I wasn't looking forward to running. I slept the whole way there. It was so cold outside and raining, so Kendle and I went to the bathroom to put on our underarmor. Then we went to the high jump in pouring rain. We warmed up a little and waited in the rain for the guy to start. Kendle and I were 3rd and 4th, and every time we jumped, we landed unhappy on the wet mats. Both of us cleared everything until 4'8". My last jump at 4'8" was pretty good--I cleared it enough to be able to look back and watch my feet take it off.

After that, I found myself running to the start of the hurdles. It had stopped raining for the time, and I thought I was ready. Runners to you marks... Get Set... And the gun goes off. I pull out of the blocks and get almost to the first hurdle when I realize that my steps are way off. So I slow down and adjust and jump over it with horrible form. The rest were ok, but I hit my knee on about three. This is the same knee that I managed to hit in practice and bruise badly two days before. So when I finish well behind everyone else, I hop off in pain and frustration. 20.23--barely faster than my time on the grass track. So if I hadn't messed up the start and hit those hurdles, I probably would have managed to improve my PR time for this year. That just pisses me off.

The rest of the day, Brooke and I walked around the track. It rained every once in a while, but I didn't really care. As the 300 hurdles got closer, it started to pour rain again. Bailey and I were so cold and miserable. We were contemplating false starting just to get out of it. The rain was coming down so hard that it was ridiculous for the track meet to keep going. I was so cold in my race that I was shivering while I was running. I hit my knee again. 7th in my heat--no surprise--I'm slow and not too motivated for that race anway. No one is there with my time, so I wait around to see the sheet before it goes up to the announcer. I find out that no one even bothered to record my time! That is a bunch of crap. If I had known they weren't going to record the 7th place time, I wouldn't have run the stupid race to begin with! I am not very happy with the people in charge of the meet.

waiting

2006-05-01T08:15:00.000-07:00

waiting for the word
for that extra little shove that gets me going
for someone to tell me

waiting for the day
for the end of this neverending cycle
and the start of something new

waiting for you
for a decision that makes up your mind
and for you to do something concrete

I've got the BREAD, now let's ROLL!

2006-04-16T16:49:00.000-07:00

oh...where to start... well, saturday was my Great Grandma's 90th birthday party. Mom and I left early without the boys. They were going to the Nebraska Spring Game and were coming to Grandma's from there. Mom drove up through Hanover to see the Tornado damage. This one house was almost totally destroyed. All that was left was one brick wall. She let her eyes wander almost all the way up. I'll just say she saw a little more of the country folk than she wanted to (if you know what I mean...) We got to Grandma's sometime around noon. I'm really going to have to finish this update later, it has taken me way too long just to write this much...

ok so i'm going to skip the party because i'm sure Jason covered that. Jason spent the last minutes before we left stuffing his pockets with the bread rolls from dinner. I got three into my sweatshirt and we ran outside. My up-tight Grandma was getting into her car to leave so we both ran over and threw a bread roll in for good measure. I shut the door and exclaimed, "I got the bread, now let's roll!" I will admit that I didn't even notice the irony of that for a few seconds. Then I burst out laughing. That explains the picture.

afterwards, Jason and I went down main street to play frisbee. we played for a few hours with no interruptions. after all, it is a very small town filled with only old people (and the occassional meth dealer, as my 90-year-old Great Grandmother will tell you) who were planning on getting up for the Easter church service. that was some quality bonding time for us--I don't have to tell you that most brothers and sisters hate each other--our relationship is more of a mellow hating most of the time, with some days where we are civil to each other. our quality bonding time came to an abrupt end, though, when the frisbee went up over the firestation for the last time. I'll miss that frisbee...good times...but it was only three dollars from Wal-Mart.

The next day, I played with my second cousin Tori--the cute little girl in the picture with me. She has a TON of energy. We went to the park before lunch and played on the swings and on the slide. When we finally left, it was almost time for lunch. My grandma and Mose left before we went to the park. The rest of my second cousins left before long, followed by Tori and her grandparents. So my parents, Jason and I stayed for lunch with my Great Grandma. I wasn't feeling all that well, and when Mom and I left, I slept most of the way home.

When Mom and I got home, we thought the neighbors had new horses. With a closer look, we noticed that it was all four of our horses. A friend had fed for us that morning and must have latched the gate the wrong way. We have this really intelligent horse that can open gates if they aren't latched quite right. So Mom and I staked out the road and tried to round them up. Not exactly the welcome home we were looking for.

wow

2006-04-06T11:42:00.000-07:00

well i really have nothing to say, but i bet anyone who regularly checks this blog is bored by now. so i'll tell you how my week is going to pan out. today is my last day of school for a week. tomorrow we have all day play practice because the play is tomorrow night. No one has there lines memorized and hardly anyone pays attention at practice. We have the play again on Saturday night. Then Sunday I leave for FCCLA state at which I will be doing absolutely nothing. I'm gone Monday and Tuesday. Tuesday night we have a Spanish club meeting at El Cazador in Manhattan and I love that place (not so much for the food, but the hot waitors that flirt all the time). Then Wednesday I have State Band at Concordia all day. Thursday I'm going to be back in class. Friday we don't have school. Saturday is my Great Grama's b-day party. Monday we again don't have school. What a great week or so!

"...that cake eater...smells like flour..."

2006-03-31T08:19:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was my birthday! So, as I was not looking forward to having so good of a day, I am kind of surprised at the day I ended up having. My first happy birthday actually came the night before when I was talking to Diego on the phone. I had to tell him that I couldn't go to his soccer game on Saturday morning because my Grandma was coming up from Florida for the weekend.

Anyway, I got up a little early so I could maybe make it to school on time. I got happy birthdays from my friends and then went to English. English sucked because we had to read this boring stuff about Walt Whitman that almost put me to sleep. We convinced our Reading teacher that since today was my birthday, and I had to take a test on a book, we should get a freeday the next day. (So we played catch-phrase today instead of reading all hour.) I got backed up by Miss Milner on any insults and criticisms I threw at Mark and Colton because it was my birthday, they should be able to stand being nice to me for one day. The little stuff they did say was actually pretty funny. Band, as always, was too long, but I got candy from Mrs. Pfaff, so it was cool. We also convinced our math teacher to take us outside during fifth hour. Sixth (US History), we had another freeday. I was really worried about Spanish because we were supposed to have a two-minute immersion where we stood up in a clase and had to make small talk with a partner for two-minutes. I know, sounds pathetic, but it is really had to think of questions to ask for two minutes! But we actually didn't have time to do that so Spanish was relatively easy. It was really storming when I was supposed to walk over the middle school to help Mrs. Klocke. So I rode the bus over. The Fifth grade class threw me a surprise party! I got all these cards and signs telling me happy birthday! And just my luck--both track and play practices were canceled. I think I got more happy birthdays from the middle schoolers than from my friends at the high school.

Anyway, I went to Amber and Dana's house after school to make cookies. Sure, I got the whole Ethan staring at me and being mad at me, but I was pretty much able to ignore it. So I called my prom date in Concordia and talked to him for a while for the first time. He was at the birthday party Justin and I had on Sunday and amazingly enough, remembered that today was my birthday. That was cool. Then Dana and I were making snickerdoodles while Amber was talking with Hattie. Ethan decided to call Amber, and I was forced to talk to him. He's mad at me for something stupid, but I don't really care because I have a lot more right to be mad at him. He came to Amber's but wouldn't come into the house for a long time. Then he didn't even talk to me so that's his fault. On a lighter note, Ray, Dana's boyfriend, showed up and lightened the mood. Sometime in there, Jason called to say happy birthday and brag about him going to a concert with Diego and Kris in Lawrence.

When I finally got home around 7:30, Mom was cooking a really good dinner--fettucini with chicken in a white wine sauce. Dad had stayed home all day and cooked me an angelfood cake. It was really good. They bought me a showercurtain with Japanese symbols on it. We don't know what to do with it yet because I don't have a need for a showercurtain. It's still cool looking. I had to clean my room and do some English homework but it wasn't too bad.

All in all I had a pretty good birthday with a few problems, but they were easily covered up by all the fun stuff.

It's National Hate Caitlin week

2006-03-28T08:28:00.000-08:00

I know, it sounds harsh, but it's so true. When I have more time, I'll give you a full account. But for now, feel free to throw any insults, threats, or really anything mean you can think of. For one week only, let the bashing begin.

Monday
So Monday started out with a bang. I got to school and Amber asks me if I want to go to Concordia's prom. It's on the same day as ours so that creates two problems. One: I'd have to tell Ethan I wasn't going with him to this one. and Two: I'd have to convince Mom. The first problem was not going to be too hard to solve, I had already decided that I didn't want to go to prom with Ethan anyway. He's been acting weird and just being mean for a while now. The second problem would have to wait till I got home. Anyway... I tell Amber to let me think about it for awhile. I catch her in the hallway after third hour and she tells me that things are off and running. Ethan drilled her throughout that hour about me and now he is royally pissed at me. So great. My third hour was filled with insults and threats from Mark, so I wasn't looking forward to this whole blowup. It doesn't take long for Hattie and Marci to find out. So Marci spends track practice telling me to come to our prom and all this stuff. She held back a little because Hattie had told her about the Ethan thing. I was so happy to get out of that school at the end of the day.
When I got home, I had a message on my phone from Ethan saying he wants to talk to me and do something on my birthday. By the way, he left this message at a time he knew I wouldn't be able to answer my phone so he didn't have to talk directly to me. Yea, like I'm going to want to spend my birthday with a guy whose been a jerk to me for I don't know how long. I delete the message (I know, immature, but I'd had enough for the day) and go to talk to Mom about Concordia. She flat out says no because she doesn't know these people and doesn't want me to go up to Concordia to a house to sleep for a while before coming back home after prom. That got ugly. Amber called and I told her I couldn't go. I went to my room and called Diego. He has this amazing ability to cheer me up without knowing he's doing it.

Tuesday
And we're back. I had pretty much decided that I wasn't going to this prom anyway. It took Ethan about 3 seconds to decide to go with Franzi to prom. I don't want to be there if I'm going to have to deal with him all night long. I get the evil glares (and sometimes just really uncomfortable stares) from him all day long. In band, he talks with Kammie and I see a glimmer of hope. Yes! Maybe now he'll be occupied with her and will finally leave me alone! No such luck. He asks Taellor later if I saw and if I was jealous. Of course he's still mad at me and I get a repeat of yesterday. I've got absolutely no defense against Mark, Colton, and Clint in Chemistry.
I get a note in 6th hour telling me to call my Mom. So I figured it was about this blog. I was mad at her, but that's not why I wrote this entry. I don't get a chance to call her back until between 7th and 8th hour in the back door of the lockerroom. I was about to when an alarm went off in the school. So I walked back in thinking it was a tornado drill. But I was about halfway through the lockerroom when I realized it was a fire drill and I had to walk all the way around out the front doors in the commons area. When that was finally over, I called her back. She told me that I could now go to Concordia's prom because she knows my date's dad. I was in a bad mood because of all the crap that had been going on during the day, so I really only half realized what she meant. I caught Amber after school and told her the news. After play practice, I stopped at her house and talked to them for awile. She tells me that Ethan paid her money for information about me. Now I'm just kinda freaked out.

Wednesday
Today was a lot of the same stuff that happened on Monday and Tuesday. But now my already small group of support is steadily losing followers. Marci won't talk to me, I get the feeling that the rest of them aren't too pleased either.

Thursday
I've explained this in the next post, but it was basically the same. My friends are mad at me, Ethan is freaking me out, and I can't seem to catch much of a break. I had small victories, though.

Friday
So I'll skip through to after lunch. Fifth hour, Kyler is back from his cruise. For some reason, I think if he had been here all week, I wouldn't have taken so much crap during Chemistry. Either that or I would have had twice as much. Marci is now so mad at me that I can't stand being around her. Hurdle practice is tense, but I got to run through quite a few times. Bridgett, my coach, helps me improve my approach on the high jump mat, and that really lifts my spirits. I may have a chance at jumping a relatively normal height on Tuesday. After track, I get chewed out in the lockerroom by Marci. She is mad because she wants me to come to this prom and she also happens to hate the people I'm going to Concordia's with. She also thinks I'm being stupid because--"he won't bother you during prom" Bull. He follows my group of friends around and she knows he won't leave me alone and will want to dance with me even though he's there with Franzi.
After play practice, I'm taking Dana home, and we realize there are people in the middle of the highway just after the bridge. We turn around because it's my friend Sam. She hit a deer and totaled her car. No ones hurt, but she just got her car back out of the shop and can't fix it again. Dana ends up calling the police for her. It seems like everyone in Olsburg shows up before the cop can get there. But the best part is when the cop gets there, he lights a cigarette. There's something leaking out of her car, and he walks over and lights a cigarette! They sent the smartest cop on the force.

Well...I'm lost

2006-03-21T11:04:00.000-08:00

I thought this was supposed to be SPRING Break. Spring. Why is it snowing? I think our weathermen are full of crap.

Anyway... We finally celebrated Dad's 50th B-day. I won't bore you with that description because you can click on almost any link and read about it there. But after the party, we went to Amber's house for a movie night. This was Diego's dream, to pile onto a futon full of girls and Jason. Weird, I know, but still pretty funny. Sorry you missed it Diego. The movie night was more of a talking night and I have no idea what those two movies were about. I'm sure they weren't all that interesting anyway.

But there was one great mystery. Ethan, who is now supposed to be my friend, wanted absolutely nothing to do with the fun. And I ask, is it really my fault that the kid is mad at me? And really, why IS he mad at me? I've been trying to talk to him, to not seem like I'm mad or anything. But I think it's about time that I give up. This is a two-way thing, I can't do it all by myself. I'm tired of being ignored and avoided. So if you want to make yourself miserable by insisting on being mad at me, fine. I don't care anymore. If you want to fix this, fix it, but I'm not taking responsibility anymore!

Please, someone help me clear up this mystery!

So Jason and I are coming back from taking Amber home and I'm looking at the tracks in the snow on the road. And I happened to notice some really fresh looking ones leading from Spring Creek road to our road. We pull up to the mailbox and sure enough, there's a foreign looking car in the driveway. I hope I don't sound angry, because this was more of a suprise. Not a pleasant one, but still a surprise. When I get inside, Ethan is sitting on my couch. Doesn't look up when I walk into my own house or even acknowledge that I'm home. Starts up a nice little chat with Jason, sure. But I'm beginning to wonder if maybe I'm invisible or something. So I sat down to watch the TV. And the next time I look up, he's asleep on the couch. And I wonder, was it really necessary to come all the way to my house, in a snowstorm, I might add, just to fall asleep on my couch? I'm extremely perplexed. We get around to playing a round of cards (that's cool--get Around to playing A Round--ha ha ha, I surprise even myself sometimes) and we start up the "ignore and avoid Caitlin" game again. In my own house! I'm not mad right now, but I'm sooo confused. He leaves without so much as a glance in my direction. So you tell me--Is it my fault this relationship is completely gone? Really? Come on.

Just Two

2006-03-15T08:14:00.000-08:00

just two
more days of suffering
in this hellish pit called high school
until a much needed break
just two
if i can only last
two more days of the routine
until spring break
just two

I'm so tired of school. I can't wait until it's over, even if it is for only 10 days. It's a much needed break from the daily headaches, and wandering around in a zombie-like trance. I want to see the sunshine. I want to get out of this place, just for a while. So I can get back to normal, or at least try. It's too bad we don't live in the Southwest. I'm really longing for the sandstone and the warmth, and just the warm effect that area seems to have. I need a vacation!

you think i'm perfect

2006-03-11T11:21:00.000-08:00

you think i'm perfect

you think you've made mistakes
and that i can blame only you

you think i'm unreachable
and that given the chance
i'll run as far as i can

you think you're one of many
watching a beauty
and that if i have my choice
you won't make the list

but i'm far from the best
don't take so much credit
give me my space
and you'll never lose me
i've never seen the list

you think too much

friends...?

2006-03-10T08:42:00.000-08:00

I was reading Brennan's blog today and it got me thinking. He was talking about how his friends have changed over the years. That really applies to me too. If you add moving into the equation, I haven't had a friend last for more than three years.

I had good prospects in Georgia--no cares in the world. We lived there for about 5 years, but I switched schools in second grade. It didn't take long for me to meet Kimberly--my best friend. But even the best of friends can't stay that way when they are 10 years old and trying to talk to each other across several states. I see her occasionally, but we've changed so much since elementary school. Last time I saw her, she was a short cheerleader. The cheerleader part surprises me.

When we moved here, I met Sam first. Sam is a good friend, but I don't know if I've ever really known her. I probably should have stopped there. But my class of girls was... I don't know if there's a word for it. Probably the closest would be insane! I got caught up in the typical backstabbing world of teenagers. I've never had a real friend out of that group. Those years taught me not to trust people and to be more independent. That was the only way I could make it through, and that was only middle school.

Actually, I had a friend who stayed for about a year in middle school. Brittney was a complete rebel and knew she didn't have to take those girls if she didn't want to. But she moved away in a hurry and left me back where I had been--alone.

I entered high school with a strong will to do what I wanted and be a non-conformist. Dana is probably the closest thing to a friend I've had in a long time. I have others, but I still find things to surprise me with all of them. I'm not saying there aren't things that surprise me about Dana--there are. But she's not so concerned with the "she said, he said" crap.

So some people wonder why I can't just relax and be myself--well that's why. There's something up there telling me that anything I say or do will come back to haunt me and blow up in my face. And I'm just not used to talking to people and being able to say exactly what I want to them. Jason thinks I do this because I'm mean or something. Well...I have trust issues.

Sometimes I wonder if we hadn't moved, would I be this way?

bloCKer

2006-03-06T08:38:00.000-08:00

I really hate our school. They have blocked my dad's blog from my computer. I could understand maybe Brennan's or something, but MY DAD???? What does he write that is sooo bad? I'm not trying to give them ideas, but why block one blog when they could block all of them? It's not like he swears in it like half the people linked to Jason's blog do so why block his and only his? So now if Dad has something big about his job or anything, I won't know about it because the stupid school blocked his damn blog!

Life of Pi

2006-03-02T11:38:00.000-08:00

Why do people move? What makes them uproot and leave everything they've known for a great unknown beyond the horizon? Why climb this Mount Everest of formalities that makes you feel like a beggar? Why enter this jungle of foreignness where everything is new, strange, and difficult?

...

I wish he hadn't fretted so much. It's hard on a son to see his father sick with worry.

...

People move because of the wear and tear of anxiety. Because of the gnawing feeling that no matter how hard they work their efforts will yield nothing, that what they build up in one year will be torn down in one day by others. Because of the impression that the future is blocked up, that they might do all right but not their children. Because of the feeling that nothing will change, that happiness and prosperity are possible only somewhere else.

...

Those are all part of a very good book called Life of Pi. It seems to go with what I've been feeling.

What a weird mood I'm in

2006-03-02T11:12:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I've blogged, so I guess I should. It's not really my fault--I've been trying to read this book so I can somehow salvage my English grade. We have this program that makes us read certain books for points throughout the year. I have one more week to finish about 2.5 books. It counts toward my English grade.

So today I was thinking--there's so many things that affect my mood. I'm stressed out waiting for my dad to sign official papers saying that we're moving. I haven't told anyone but a coupla friends that have moved before and I thought might understand. Jason I guess has told a few more. Taellor talked to me on the bus the other day about it, and Lauren overheard, so I ended up telling Lauren too. But I guess it's not such a bad thing, they'll all find out eventually. Diego called me on the phone on Saturday night about 11:30 to talk to me about it. It really surprised me. He just kinda called up out of the blue and was surprised that I answered my phone. It would have woken me up anyway, but we happened to have just gotten home from prom dress shopping, so I was still awake.

It may not seem like such a stressful thing for most people to deal with. But not knowing if your dad, who brings in over half the family's income, is going to have a job is very stressful! And another thing, I've never really been attatched to this school because I've never had a friend here that lasted very long (Dana is setting a record though). But if dad got a job and we suddenly needed to move one year before I finished high school... So we have kinda decided that mom and I will stay here to finish my last year. Not having Dad around is not going to be easy. I said earlier that I do actually get along and enjoy spending time with my family. So this problem is really big.

I tend to ignore most people at this school because of reverse culture shock. Reverse culture shock is what happens when you come back to your own culture and have trouble adjusting back to it. A typical high school girl only thinks about herself and what so-and-so said about so-and-so and other crap like that. I guess I'm too mature for my age. I'm not trying to sound all high and mighty about myself, I'm just trying to say how I feel. If you don't like it, stop reading.

Another thing that affects my mood is other people's moods. Someone who is usually hyper and happy and laughing all the time can't suddenly stop and expect no one to notice. No matter how much I don't like the person, I can't help feeling sorry and empathizing with him. It puts a damper on my already down mood to the point where I just want to go home and mope around. And I don't even know what is bothering him!

So anyway...

What time is it?

2006-02-24T09:28:00.000-08:00

OK, so it's really 11:28, but my blog says it's sometime after 9--somethings not right here...

Funny Story Really

2006-02-24T09:13:00.000-08:00

Last night was the boys first regional basketball game in Wakefield. My parents were going so I wanted to go. But, I couldn't ride with them, I had to ride the pep bus. Stupid school rules! They are trying to keep cars off the road, but if my parents are driving anyway, making me ride the pep bus does not reduce the number of cars on the road, it just puts the people in them in different locations. But riding the bus wasn't all bad...

The game was good, the boys won easily. I was going to ride home with my parents after because they drive faster than the bus. But they wanted to stay for the next game. So I decided to go home on the bus to take my own car home after all.

Wakefield is only 25 minutes from Randolph, so it's not too long of a ride. But there was one problem with my plan. The bus was just pulling into the parking lot when I looked up at my friend Lauren and realized that I shouldn't have taken the bus home after all!

I didn't have my KEYS!! So I came all this way to get home early and it doesn't matter because I can't drive home! So I called my parents on their cell phones and left them messages. My savior, Taellor, took me to her house so I wouldn't have to wait in my car alone. So when my dad finally came to pick me up, I was playing Texas Hold Em with Taellor, Bailee, and their dad, Jeff. I've never played this game before, but I raked in the cash with a straight in the second round when I went all in for the heck of it!

I got home a little after 9 and stayed up for the rest of the Olympics--Japan won its first gold women's figure skating metal! So when I explain what happened last night, I usually start out with, "Well, it's a funny story really..."

random

2006-02-23T09:00:00.000-08:00

valentines day is overrated
balloons filled with flour are really entertaining
christmas day should be the longest day of the year
high school boys can be just as dramatic as middle school girls
don't ever try a school lunch if you don't know what it is
Swedes have the best food
girl rock singers usually aren't very good

"...so far away from everyone, and everything starts today..."

2006-02-22T16:49:00.000-08:00

Those are the lyrics from the song Keep It Together by Guster. The inspiration for my blog title. So I'm writing finally because my brother Jason has been nagging me for a while. Well, a little about me...

this past summer I went on a scholarship program to Japan through YFU (this is some great advertising!)

i'm completely bored with school in general, but those who know me know that i'm a great student and wouldn't be able to take a bad grade for long

i have a lot of random thoughts

my best friend thinks i'm chronologically challenged because i can't tell a story straight through without adding something in that happened way before and doesn't have anything to do with the story in the first place

i've got tons (and i mean tons!) of letters from colleges telling me, Come here, because we're so great!... blah, blah, blah...

i have very little patience with stupid people and dramaqueens

i've been independent from most everyone since 7th grade

i think No Child Left Behind is stupid--it left me waiting on them to catch up

i DON'T have an eating disorder, even though the school nurse thinks so

so all you people who have to diet to stay thin--i'm the one to hate :)

i enjoy spending time with my family (all you rebels will never come back after reading that)

and i just looked at the length of this and i have decided it's about time to stop! So Jason, enjoy your reading.